When I am supposed to be happy that renovation and hacking have started, that our general contractor is doing a pretty good job and Chiauw is getting very much excited, my energy has just sapped. On my worst day, I couldn't even stand for 5 minutes at a time. I literally could barely do what I need to do. There's fogbank coming into my head.
I have moment of strange feeling of exhaustion infiltrated like a dark spirit. I remember this exact feeling back to those days when I was searching for meaning of life some 15 years ago. Everything around me halted. There were plenty of questions and the unseemingly internal restless emotional turmoils. And when I wanted it to stop, I simply created a sanctuary within myself. I stopped my social life. I shunned my friends. Loneliness was the only friend that I endeared.
When I got a new place, 'sanctuary' came to mind to describe the new home. It will be a safety haven, a sacred place and a right of asylum to my soul. I didn't think much that the energy will manifest all over again.
Something is definitely happening yet I am lost with baseless rationale. In emptiness, I am filled with acute restlessness. Joy and sorrow, peace and trouble, love and indifference - they are thinly separating my senses. There are works to be done. There are people waiting for my attention. There are problems that need to resolve. Yet, I choose to procrastinate.
Hertford is crying and, probably, she is praying for a new life for me. She is aware that she will be gone .. and forever. That before I am totally uprooted to the next sanctuary, she has to replay my past emotions. Yet, I am soaking in this restlessness helplessly. I am reaching out to the rainbow and, still, I find it is a long call to reach the light at the end of this tunnel.
Perhaps, I am desperate this time round. With her departure, Hertford is probably asking me to focus on new goals and to envision what is truly important in my life ahead. Guess, I am just selfish. Or am I lost and confused?
I have started my journey and made to rethink and making choices. At this end of this turn, I am praying harder that my life choices are wiser. That the restlessness will not be ocean deep.
For now, guess, I am just afraid.
I offer Reiki Distant Healing