What Do You Want Me To Do Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Monday, May 16, 2011

If I can't write it down, I probably can't pull it off

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This should go as a footnote but I just feel that it has to be read first.  Just before I clicked on the 'Publish Post' to post this article on my blog, I was interrupted by a call from a dear friend.  We had a long chat where she shared with me about her inner feelings.  I shall not mention the exact conversational topic.

Here, there was this friend - just another person, and another human, who felt helpless in the social critical mass.  She felt that she had been abandoned.  She felt that she had been put, and in her own words, 'in a peripheral' socially.  I shared with her "that every of God's creations here on earth has a place, has a part and, definitely, shares the same equal right.  It is usually the wave of another human that casts driftwood far up on the shore."

The conversation went on and she passed this remark. "What do they want me to do now?".  At that moment, it brought me back to my writing.  It was exactly what I had entered for the title of this blog.  I told her that she was the voice of God to concur my article, at least as far as I wanted to believe.

What made it more interesting was how the call ended.  It was exactly how I ended my article too.  She said, "the lesson that I learn from this is all about respect, that I have to respect others if I want others to respect me".  For the record, this dear friend of mine recognized and walked her life knowing what 'respect' was all about.

She regained her strength when I told her that she should focus on her positive attitude.  It was this reminder that made her to feel much better and to accept the situation she was in.  The power of positive thinking would set us onward to just let go and to move on.  It was this acceptance that would make her to live in joy.

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This is a dedication to some people that I know.  To some people that are truly close to my heart.  To some people who haven taken counsel from, and with, me.  To some of these people that, in their mindset, feel that I have abandoned them.  This is my writing to all of you.  This is the expression of my crying heart.  This is a writing which is filled with anxiety and yet full of uncertainties.  This is a writing from my bleeding heart and the sorrows that have filled me up.

The good thing to be surrounded with wise friends is, indeed, a great blessing.  It is a comfort.  It is a joy.  My dearest indigo friend, JH just the other day feels that I have a lot of grievances inside me.  I must admit that he is right.  I am thankful for his insight despite my everyday attempts to conceal this feeling of resentment and injustice.  I am thankful for his presence to open up the bottle and unravel a chip on my shoulder.  I honor his angelic auric of indigo presence that brings a candle of light to allow me to forgive myself.

To you, JH, I am grateful to know you.  It is people like you that makes life easier to live.  It eases up the shambling journey, the life struggles, and brings about the understanding to life that is meaningful.  You put me on the spot with your profound observation though it is probably not exactly conducive to my thoughtful responses.  Perhaps, I have been waiting for these feelings to quietly dissolve by itself, or that I could just sweep them under the carpet.  But today, I am thankful at your gentle nudge, my dear friend.

Thing is, I do not wish to live a life of hypocrisy.  I should examine myself for a very long time before thinking of making this writing.  Ralph Waldo Emerson had a saying that 'Every man alone is sincere.  At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins.  We parry and fend the approach of our fellow-man by compliments, by gossip, by amusements, by affairs.  We cover up our thought from him under a hundred fold".

I am pushing away, hard on prayers, of my judgement, of what I will be voicing out here.  I am reaching for my Higher Self for this writing.  Hoping for one that is penned not with my Ego sitting next to me and with his fingers laid on the keyboard.  Life, afterall, creates many of us to believe that wrongs are not wrong if it is done by nice people.  Sadly, in all our imperfection, we think we are often too perfect and much too often, we think that we are always one above another.

The recent General Election (GE) 2011 has brought about some emotional dilemma in me.  Suddenly, from a person who has been avoiding politics, I am jostled to think.  It has made me to ponder and to reflect on the effects.  Suddenly, I feel how my outside world can impact me and to these people, directly and indirectly. 

However, the issues surround the GE strike me to an unsettling feeling far beyond the election, far beyond any political powers but to the question 'What makes life worth living?'.  My grievances stem from the GE emotional dilemma that have become too personal.  I ponder upon the livelihood on those people that come to share their life stories with me.  I ponder upon the livelihood on those people who have to make their ends meet.  I ponder upon the livelihood on those people who strive to find joy in their lives.

Just like in any elections, it is always about reflections to the past and then to what can be better for the future.  No, it has nothing to do with the GE 2011 per se, instead my grief lies on all the people who are stuck in the web of their thoughts.  To the things that they do that can make life worth living.  The verb and not the noun.

I am referring to some of these people that seem to be trapped in their resistance.  Where all the negative energies are being empowered day in and day out.  Where the positive attitude is only a fool's courage and success in life is far-fetched.  I am sad for this group of people, this group of friends, this group of loved ones.

The most melancholy thing about them, and often there is so much melancholy in their words and actions, that they have simply lost so much faith, in themselves and in others.  Yes, it is always easier and comforting to say that everything starts with attitude.  But, when one is drowned in the pool of all things low and constantly flowed with fears and tears of discomfort, his attitude becomes critical.

The greatest idiosyncrasy to life is the misconception of life force energy itself.  Life is neither positive nor negative.  Life is just life.  In life, there is energy.  In an energy, there are many more energies.  It is these energies that drive us to think, to act, to do.  They are the life forces driven by our thoughts and through our sub-conscious mind.  We have to be the captain of our soul to take charge of these thoughts, these actions and organize them to work in favor towards joy.  Joy is essential to bring in the peace.

We need to have a home of belief.  We need to have the strength of faith.  We need to recognize that we are born to become a better person.  And, we have been told that our journey in life is not going to be one straight road but with twists and curves.  But, we need to know that we have the ability to control on all outcomes.  If we need to change, we must change.  If we need to let go, we must just let go.  Our capabilities are never limited but we make ourselves to think that we have very limited understanding.

The wonderful nature in life is the ability to love.  To love everything that comes right in front of us even if we cannot emote the same likeness of our emotions.  Regardless of all the colors and shapes, regardless of all the differences, regardless whether a thing is fair or otherwise.  We just have to lift it up little by little towards it.

We need problems to become a better individual.  We need pains to understand life.  The purpose of life is a life of purpose.  All that we can do is to hope that we end up with the right regrets.  Afterall, without pain there is no pleasure and without pleasure, there is pain.  Without each of them, we simply cannot enjoy life.  Without each of them, we will never know how to strife towards joy.

I have come to a stage where I have become helpless with these people who repeatedly fail to lift up their life from the doldrums.  Every story must have an ending; every problem can resolve.  One will not win when what he wants is to champion his endless dreads to life.  One can only complain so much of his distaste that he has to find his strength to change his destiny.

It is sad when one cannot see that fear is just a false experience appearing real.  It is sad if this individual will drag another person to join in his joy in his doldrums.  It can be a pain to be in bondage to the crime.  It can be daunting to be faced with repeating appeals to the same scenario over and over.  I must admit that I have, probably, refuse to lose my salvation over anything that is temporal from some of these people.

Do I abandon them?  Do I have to keep forgiving them in exchange for my sanity?  Do I have to continually put myself in the position to be hurt over and over again?  Someone said that forgiveness does not equal to being a doormat.  Nor does forgiveness even mean that we include these people in our life.  We just have to forgive what they have done, and the way it affects us.  Thereafter, we forgive ourselves for it and move on to find our peace and healing.

I am praying, we as a whole, to have the willingness to accept responsibility for our own life.  A man can stand a lot as long as he can stand himself.  We need to free ourselves from the expectatons of others, to give us back to ourselves.  We need to free ourselves from any bad and negative interpretations we think others have of us.  The willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life is the source from which self respect springs.  Only when we are able to respect our efforts that we respect ourselves.

We need to accept that our character, our values and our morals are self learned.  It does not make any rational sense to be angry, and disappointed, that we cannot make others as we wish them to be since we cannot make ourselves as we wish to be.  When we are not going to own this conviction to become a better person, it shall be our failure.  However, should these character, these values and these morals are harming us spiritually, emotionally or physically, than it is only right that we change them.

I learn that no wise men despise another human.  It is the mindset of an individual that despise himself.  People, in general, love darkness instead of the light.  They would rather live an unexamined life and wallow in it than to see the good things.  Than to see what is worth to live for.  Life is not guided with rules but choices.  If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and that we cannot bring a smile on a regular basis, we just have to try another choice.

Self respect cannot be hunted.  It cannot be purchased.  It is never for sale.  It cannot be fabricated out of public relations.  Self respect leads to self discipline.  Only when we can have both firmly under the belt, that LIFE exits.  And, that is real power.

I know that my sorrow will continue.  I know that my grievances will never end.  They have come to me because I have had allowed them.  They have come to me because I wanted to care.  I could not violate the sacredness of my love for these people.  These sorrow and grievances will be my compensation as I am distancing myself with these people who I love so much.

Perhaps, the only thing that I can say would be 'I love you and I am sorry'.

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Dancing With The Mind Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Sunday, May 30, 2010

Finding Self-Worth, Part II

Sometimes, I wonder at the nuanced word 'selfish' when it is being verbalised.  Whether this word is being intended, or expressed, or signified about us or to the person at which the word is being directed at.  Whether the circumstances, at the point the word is said, are a call for us to further identify our inner state of being or truly reflect the character of the concerned individual.  Is it a psychological reaction of an expression indirectly an admission of who we are?  Is it about a self trait that we cannot accept?

Say, when another car suddenly cuts in front of our car on the road, adrenaline pumps into our bloodstream.  Our heart rate jumps.  Our blood pressure surges.  Immediately, we jump into conclusion how selfish and inconsiderate the other driver is.

Or, it started with a simple drive to the airport but, before long, our partner started to criticize the way we drive.  That we were not aggressive enough.  That we were not pushing past the speed limit resulting to arrive late at the destination.

Or, when we are being invited to a potluck gathering and we have to finish a project for the group.  In all the rush and time constraint, we offer not to bring anything but the finished project.  Our excuse is 'I have no time to go to the market, buy the stuffs and cook'.  Our stomach is filled but none of the food belongs to our contributions.

Or, a parent starts to instill guilt at the daughter, or son, to get married regardless of her/his conditions.  For them to have additional hand at getting support or at whatever their personal reasons may be.  Or, for them to have grand children just to hold the family's name.  Procreation is not the ultimate nor it is a compulsive, nor perhaps spiritual, duty of every souls.  Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha and Guan Yin didn't procreate.

Let's face it, it is always easier to judge and criticize someone else.  It is always easier to advise someone else.  It is always easier to push the blame to someone else.  Our world, as it is, is filled with a feeling towards hate.  We tend to empower this energy before we learn to love.  Love has been conditioned towards protecting our struggles with anger and frustration.  Love leans on the negative aspects as a result of our psychological defence against threats that hides our essential human vulnerabilities and weaknesses.  When anything or anyone threatens us with the truth of our essential being, the easiest and most common defense available is to think how selfish the attacker/interrogator/intimidator is.

Being selfish is a common human emotion.  We all feel it and we feel it more often than we like to admit.  Our parent, all our brothers and sisters, all our friends and the people around us AND ourselves feel hurt or irritated and will judge another to be selfish when someone or something obstructs their AND our needs or desires.  The psychological process is clear and simple.  If another person hurts us, we just want to hurt him back just as we have been hurt.

When I attended a motivational seminar many years ago, the facilitator asked 'Who should you love and take care first - your parent or yourself?'.  I struggled with my answer.  There I was, in front of many others, had to share it out loud my priority.  I sensed a room filled with judgement.  A room where some felt I was such a selfish son.  An inconsiderate child. 

I chose to think that I should take care of myself first.  It was, and still is, a conviction within me.  It may sound that I am a narcissist, someone who is basically in love with myself, only talk about myself and does not care about anyone else.  In that seminar, that I put my parent second.

Perhaps, I am being selfish to think this way.  Perhaps, this is what selfish is all about.  But what will happen should I ignore about my being, my health, my career and not able to support them in return?  How can I provide them when I am constantly troubled with life?  How can I give love when I do not know how to love myself?  How can I let them to live comfortably when I do not have a good career?  How can I nurse them should we are struck with illnesses at the same time?

It is always remarkable to see a son, or a daughter, care for the parent as though his own needs and desires hardly existed.  I am reminded of the safety airline speech, on board the plane, where we need to put our mask on first before we help with the child.  What if we had put the child's mask on first and we are not able to breathe well enough to take care of ourselves?  My principle is to learn to balance caring for self with caring for others.

It is not to advocate that we should not help those around us and be self-centered.  The core of the oxygen mask is rather that should we become faint from lack of oxygen, we won't be much good to anyone at all.  Speaking for myself, I have found that a certain core of peace and centeredness is necessary before I can really get engaged in promoting a happy, compassionate and peaceful environment.

If I get depressed, it may affect the people around me adversely.  The reverse is also true that when I do what it takes to be happy myself, the people around me reap the benefits.  Emotions, in general, are just plain contagious.

If I look at how I will leave this world alone, on death, being selfish will have a better meaning.  Growing up, I learned the hard way what not taking care of myself can do.  I watched it through the lives of my mum.  And my dad.  And, particularly my late eldest sister.  They sacrificed everything to take care of me and my sisters, give only to others and never themselves.  They worked full time and came home exhausted.

My mum and my dad never did things for themselves, never lived nor pursued their dreams.  Their focus was to make sure that our basic needs were met.  In the case of my late eldest sister, she was not putting the mask on herself and lost all her strength to fight her years with cancer.   When I grew up and realized the missing pieces, I were so resentful and angry.

We cannot give what we do not have.  If I want to give more, serve more, contribute more, build more, create more, I have to be stronger and more vital, have more stamina and vigor.  Only when we secure our own oxygen mask first that we can be more selfless and helpful for everyone else.

I admire, and hold full respect, some of my friends.  In particular, my master.  A man who finds his own strength before he could provide for others.  A man who knows how to say 'No' when he has nothing to offer.  A man who will then give endlessly when his hands are full.

However, being altruistic is not all rainbows.  We may be hit with conscience.  The bottom line is, as long as we remember to stand up for ourselves and take care of ourselves, becoming a more selfless person will help to make the world a better place.

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Finding Self-Worth Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Friday, May 28, 2010

No man is an island.  Human beings just do not, for a period of time, thrive when isolated from others. It is possible to spend time alone but it will never complete their social needs and growth. In the words of an English poet, John Donne "All mankind is of one author, and is one volume.  That when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language and every chapter must be so translated."

It is a totally different scenario with the need to being alone; in the period of alone-ness.  Being alone in the world, the world of alone-ness, even though we travel our journeys with people merely underscores how important faith, hope and understanding our spiritual self inside us (and probably in God) are.  There are times when we will feel incredibly desolate, confused and numbed to a communal reality that the call for alone-ness, the only man in the island, that such situation can thrive.  It would be, then, a spiritual call being true to ourselves.

I am touched, and moved, with Donne's content.  Particularly so for the latter part of it and on the line 'but translated into a better language'.  It tells us the significant to live our life.  It sums it up to bring awareness how we can change, and should change for the better, our mindset.  It is an awakening call to look within into our conscience; to work at it and honor everything that has provided for a better meaning to life.  Only when the acknowledgments are internalized, the purpose to life becomes clearer.  Every stones in every roads will uncast the process leaving every opportunity doors wide open.  Every life's value that becomes our actions will turn to results. 

How shall we live?  What shall we live for?  How we can decide right from wrong?  It is always important to recognize the values and, ultimately, in making a better wise choice.  Each one of us has a different set of value.  For some, the value may be living for wealth, for power, for reason, for virtue, for faith, for fulfillment, for love, for happiness, for integrity.  The list can just go on.

The content brings consciousness towards the subject about life and our imprints we leave behind on our death.  Hopefully, I will be able to  internalize within myself with the right sanctity for the right perception.  About the need to be surrounded with the right people for the right thing.  About accomplishments and perhaps, to live life with no regrets and everything is just enough.  For the conscientiousness of my (our) morals.  For a meaningful ending when faced with death.

It is, to me, a reminder about the importance on the quality of life that we need to exercise.  That, in whatever we do, think and act should be guided consciously towards it.  That we need to re-think our thought processes before we execute the actions.  We need to be aware of our words, our promises, our commitments, our desires and wants and so on.

How we should live a life truthfully within the sea of love.  With will.  With respect.  With honor.  With endearment.  With conscience.  Within the relationship we have with another.  About how we should never take for granted the people that we have come to treasure.  That have played a big part in our incremental growth.  To those whom have had shaped our lives.  To all the individuals that have, and continuously, designed our days and sharing and letting us to go through life experiences.  That have shared and provided valuable lessons for us to become a better person.  These are our parents, our brothers, our sisters and infact the whole family generation.  And then, there are our teachers, our masters and our friends.  Or our neighbours.

We are what we eat; we become what we think about.  I have become a strong believer, in life, that I cannot hold more than what I already have.  That it will be useless should I go on with life adding friendship every other day, or getting to know more people through social networking, but sadly only to become superficial with one another each passing day.  That I would only know them by their name, their status just because all I need is another friend.  Nor should I want to walk the path of fame, to feast on my ego, proudly announcing to the world that I know so-and-so and so-and-so. 

I believe when I am constrained with time 24-7, how then can I provide for new friends?  How then can I provide the love and the care?  We, as an individual, often fail to love oneself.  With all our limited time, we hardly spend to treat ourselves right.  We constantly deny the time, and love, to nourish our soul.  The soul that is the core of our true self, the very essence of whom and what we are.

What will be my motive for making new friendship?  What will be left of my intention for those that I already knew?  Where would I place the sincerity for my appreciation and gratitude?  When was the last time I did my part, as a so-called friend, calling any one out for a good meal, a good conversation?  Or calling to know, to share and catch up with his/her life? 

When was the last time I said 'I love you' to my mum, my dad, my siblings and my closest friends?  We don't even spend much quality time with our parents and siblings.  Or our soul partners.  We often find convenient excuses for not doing so.  The most important source of soul food for my soul is the quality time with loved ones.  It rejuvenates me and helps me to go on.  It makes me feel alive, full of life and connected to the Universe. 

The large quantity of people in my small hands does not count for my happiness.  Nor the quiet joy I seek in small groups.  Nor the peace of mind where I can put my trust and my faith.  Plainly, I am getting tired at just smiling and greetings at superficiality.

Perhaps, I am off the mindset of what Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship."  Though it is not a must, it is always good to have someone that shares a common goal.

It is only natural that friendship is developed in the office.  In school.  In meditation class.  But, to purposely find friends by logging to social networks, online chat rooms or going to pubs requires a little more consciousness.  It requires a little more the Self understanding.  It requires the opening of our awareness towards the search, and the desire and objective, it places in our current journey in life.

Do not get me wrong.  While making new friends is highly enriching and can be rewarding - and yes, that no man can ever be alone - we need to realize should we are able to take on the big responsibility to know another person and understand his/her feelings.  Friends comes with friendships.  Life is a journey and real good friends are with us in the caravan.  It is said that the natural process to life in meeting new friends, where it is guided with synchronicity and coincidences, is far more meaningful.

Just the other day, a friend passed a remark that she does not need so-and-so just because she has found some new friends.  New friendships are like the new broom that will sweep clean.  New things are always don with admiration.  We are mesmerized with everything new.  My friend's action kinda puzzled me.  I am saddened at the circumstances.  Friendship is not something that you can throw away just because there is a vacuum to be filled with someone new or when someone new comes along.

It is true, and unavoidable, that good friendship can sometimes just dies off.  That the person whom we have known for many years could just suddenly ceased to be part of our lifeline.  That a friendly relations gets strained, usually reaching a point of no return.  Such a situation arises when there is no longer a win-win situation where things are no longer absolutely hunky dory.

Friendship develops from a need.  It is a social call where two individuals first interact, or being interacting, with one another out from some common interest that binds the two.  Things become bad when one person gains and the other stands to lose.

In the wisdom of John Donne, "when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language and every chapter must be so translated."  We need to appreciate our friends.  We need to be part of their conditionings, good or bad.

I am wary about perception.  I pray hard to be watchful in the way I think, I judge and I perceive.  Perceptions are not always a reality.  Perceptions can destroy even the best of intention.  Our minds do not grasp everything our senses feed us.  Say, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck, it must be a duck.

My friend's remark made me to think of what others would think of me.  Of their perception of me.  Not that it totally matters should I am that so-and-so, as in the case of that friend, gets dumped.  But, it would be sad to be in the situation arises from a deceived perception.  Or, from a situation where friendship is being compared to another.

Perception changes everything.  In the language of the Universe, perception often reveals the actions of the heart. We become indifferent and slack with enthusiasm.  Excuses start to come into play in almost all our actions and reactions.  We procrastinate at everything since love is no longer the wheel to drive the relationship.  My friend's actions have become a classic to the notion.  She avoids returning calls, ignoring sms-es and easily gets irritable.  Her easiest excuse is always to provide white lies that she has been busy, and busier.

Subconsciously, we 'grade' our friends based on our values - How they talk, how they eat, how they laugh, how they walk and so on.  Thing is, there is nothing wrong with all that.  It is only our perception that measures the interpretations.  And, it makes me wonder where am I in the eyes of my friends?  Where am I in the hearts of the people I treasure?

If there is one thing that I can learn from my mistake in life, it would be the time that I failed to honor my heart.  Only when my mum passed on that I was hit with remorse for not doing the one thing that I promised myself to give her.  Such is a state of our excuses for everything.  We would delay every attempts, and conveniently forget, the tasks that we should have carried out at the right time.

Almost a month ago, I was treating a young man who came to confide his problems.  I admire his courage to admit his weakness at white lies.  How it has actually affected his inner conscience.  When told that I knew he lied at things, not in any detrimental ways, I sensed his helplessness.  Lies are a no win-win situation especially when we want to have our friends, or our loved ones, with us in the same caravan of life.

I told him that life is simple made complicated by our desires.  That life, in itself, carries a vibrational energy with its own auric field of colors.  We cannot fake our aura.  It is always important to guard our color, our aura.  It is important to guard and live towards a clear conscience.  Our aura is basically an extension of who we are.  It speaks volumes.

The same principle goes with us living in Universe's abundance.  For its fruits to bear, we need to have a clean and clear conscience.  We need to have a strong sincere perception.  Not one that will hinder us from our growth.  It is always easier with a Yes or a No.  It is always dishonesty that denies us from entering into the gate of the Universe.  It is wise to live life to love for love rather than to love to lie.

I am praying for self conviction.

Happy Vesak Day.

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