Coping With Grief Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I am praying.  Maybe not enough.  Maybe too hard.

I am very aware of my grief.  It is not easy to deceive myself that Ruby's gone.  The acceptance is in place.  It has been accorded with love.  That, death is certain.  That, it is a natural process.  Still, I am experiencing profound sadness.  I am all warped with feelings of emptiness.  Of despair.  Of yearning and deep loneliness.  I still cry a lot.  From nowhere, the tears will just begin to flow.  I am missing a beloved soul.  There is just a void feeling to nurture and care for someone whom I love so much.  I still feel, somewhat in small degree, emotionally unstable.

Memories of her last day are still vivid.  Words that I spoke to her echoed with some guilt, somehow.  Ringing  sadness.  Words of hope, of good faith, could actually stove for higher good.  Mismatched between choices.  Landscaping of how fragile I am as her caregiver.

Guess, this blog will just have to bear with my healing process.  I am facing my feelings and will not suppress my grief.  I have to acknowledge the pain to avoid unresolved grief in the future.  Not to be trapped in complicated grief.  I want my grief to metamorphose into a loving memory.  Laid forever with a peaceful reminiscence of what love is all about.

For now, I am not going to tell myself how to feel nor am I going to tell myself that it is time to 'move on' or 'get over it'.  I am letting myself to feel whatever I feel without embarrassment or judgement.  It will be an invaluable lesson of reflection and realization.  Of my highest good.  For my highest good.  I want to believe it so.  To find new strength that will enable me to continue with my life's journey.  To regain peace of mind.

Her departure means the loss of a non-judgmental love source.  From a person, who used not in tune with a dog, her departure chokes me.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.

Ruby was not just a pet.  She was not.  Ruby was a trusted companion.  A partner.  She provided unwavering love.  Affection.  Companionship.  Qualities that are hard to match in human form.  She played a large part in me.  She weaved into fabric of my daily lives.  With her presence, she was my best source of unconditional love.  Becoming the ideal child and a true friend.  She listened without judgement.  Without reproach.  She accepted me exactly as I am.  Always there.  Ever forgiving and never hold grudges - no matter how much change I endure.

She was beyond companionship.  She lifted my spirits.

Even in her passing, she never failed to care.  The bonds that we had, none of them trivial or without value, carried on.  Somehow, the pain that I used to have is now gone.  My left frozen shoulder is no longer having the stinging needle pain.  So, is my left sole.  These pains, which I had them for so long, just disappeared the day she crossed over.

So, it is only a natural response that I am grieving.  She is a significant loss.  It is my emotional suffering when such love is being taken away.  Each moment, as I think about her role played in my life, and all the wonderful things she offered, I am not going to ignore the grief.  Nor will I try to keep it from surfacing.  For real healing to take place, it is necessary for me to face and actively deal with it.

Grief is never a series of stages.  It does not have the orderly and precise five syllabus of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - in that order.  It is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs.  Highs and lows.

My family and friends have given me great support.  Ruby is blessing me to have them around.  Most of them don't even have a dog in their life.  It is understandable if they could not understand how I could be so upset about losing just a pet.  Yet, for them to be around speaks volume.  For them to understand my grief is god-sent.  Their love makes the burden of my grief easier to carry.  I am very thankful.  Yes, I am.

My grief is taking me to embrace my spiritual and emotional realms.  To better equip me to live and love fully.  I am fortunate to cry, to tell stories and to reach out for comfort from my family and friends.  When it is time, I will just know when to move on with life and to let go when I am ready.

Time will lessen the intensity of my grief.  For now, there are just too much reminders.  They are anywhere and everywhere.  In sights.  In sounds.  In smells.

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The Journey Home Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Wednesday, March 25, 2009

This is for me.  For me to take the strength, and courage, to move on.  For me to heal myself.  For me, with all my reflection into the past, will bring light within.  To reach for the tranquility.  Only when there is tranquility within myself that I will find light, love and peace elsewhere.

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Dearest Ruby,

I love you very much.  You have always been so dear in my heart.  That, for the last eight years, whatever I do, it has always centered around you.  You are big in my life.  You are the light that shines in me, forever.  Though, I may have complained a little, my love conquers all.  Every time I look at you, there's understanding in your eyes.  Your soul comforts me.

I grew up always so afraid of dogs.  In fact, I could never like a dog.  I could never understand the love that they can bring us.  I could never understand the loyalty they can offer.

At the time you were born, somehow the Universe rewarded me for life lesson.  When Daniel asked me, just for the fun of it, to match my personality to a dog breed in an online quiz, I felt in love with a cavalier king charles spaniel.  I just felt so much in love that it changed everything thereon.  I had a deep desire to own you.  To be part of my life.  To walk with me.  All my fears, my reservations and everything I thought about dogs didn't matter anymore.

I spent weeks to find you.  Spent days contacting local and overseas breeders.  Spent days reading about you.  About how to care for you.  About the new journey, in our lives, to bond for our highest good.  I felt ill searching for you.

I believe God has His plan.  Together with Ann, we went to Pet Movers.  We prayed that we could find you.  When you were ready for 'sale', we were at the right place and time to meet.  The day was 8th January, 2001.  There, in a kennel cage, you were playing with your brother.  You were just about two months old.  I remember the joy watching you.  In your language, you tried asking me to take you.  Telling me that you had waited for me to come to take you home.  You came close to me yet there was this vibe that you didn't want to scare me.  You had sensed my fear.

Everyday, from then on, we learned to give to each other.  You taught me the silent language and heightened my intuition without the use of rational processes.  You opened my world for higher awareness and realization.  A gift for perceptive insights.  A torch of love regardless the difference between us.  A passage towards acceptance.  A bridge of understanding, and respect, to God's kingdom.

It has been good eight years.  I would want it to be forever.  To keep me company.  To provide.  To receive.  It actually pains me to let you go.  You are a basis for action.  For decision.  For conviction.  I cry hard.  Much harder than when I lost my parents and a sister.  I keep asking for the lesson behind your loss.  I have let you go, yes I do.  That, for all the years we spent together, death is your right passage to be with God.  That you are in a better place now.  That you are at peace.  That you are blessed to end your earthly sufferings.

I love you dearly, Ruby.  Here I am, with loneliness, filled with cherished memories that are just hard not to bring tears.  The last few days have been hard.  Doing all the usual things will hit me with a sense of loss.  It is hard not to cry doing the bed in the morning or even eating food that we used to share.  When I hear a dog barks, from the opposite block, will make me want you to be around.  When I think of other older dogs, I struggle to find sense why you have to go so young.  When I walk the memory lane, at the parks where you used to run free, I wish we can do it again this weekend.  And the next and next.

I guess it comes naturally as I have always felt the need to provide you.  Protect you.  Only to give you the best.  For you to receive the best.  Guess, it has been my gratitude in return to you.  For all the joy that you provided.  For all the good and bad you take in.  For all the trust that you have given in me.  For me to take you for granted that you will never do me wrong.  For all the love you take with a grateful heart.

You are very special to me.  For now, I am going to forgive myself.  To deal with my guilt.  I am not so much concerned with right or wrong.  We have been good to each other despite our different temperaments.  We have filled our days with love.  With a promise.  Unconditional.  We have learned to accept each other.  We acquired experiences to live.  No one can ever rob that away from us.  And, no one is to blame.

I am praying for God's light with what am I supposed to know.  What is the thing that I need to learn from life; not what my purpose is, but what's my lesson?

Your passing will leave me - and hopefully, the people around, with a lesson about being as loving, accepting and generous in life as we are in death.  About recognizing the beauty of a relationship we have when we have it.  And being grateful for it so that we do not feel ambushed by misfortunes.

No one is going to harm you anymore.  No one is going to misunderstand you anymore.  No one is going to disrespect you anymore.  It is the only sense there is to be made from your departure.

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The Sanity Of The Mind Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Sunday, March 22, 2009

One big lesson that Ruby is providing, with her departure, is about the reality of us being a human.  That, it is so hard to let go.  That, with such a loss, we can easily rack into the past.  That, imperfections are so big.  And guilt is so hard to wipe out.

The mind keeps wondering.  We question our actions.  We ask the limits of intention.  We doubt the validation of deeds.  Beyond all, we express upon the truth of all purposes.

The day we can reconcile it all, Ruby will be very proud of us.  In the silence of communication, there are messages.  You taught us to look out for subtle meanings and the significance of events.  You have made us to seek for higher awareness.  For signs that will release us of our fears.  Of worries.  And eradicate the uncertainty of thoughts.  Only to lead a life with an affection that transcends all mortal feelings.  To become a love born of devotion to one's soul and spirit.

For now, we are still deeply drowned in sorrow.  Unfortunately, we are not coping well.  It is the empty room in our surrounding.  In our hearts.  In Reiki Sanctuary.  It is the loss of a dear companion, and a very precious one.  It is the broken relationship.  It is the loneliness in the heart.  Flashes of the past magnify. 

The emotional pangs of pains can be rather unbearable.  We dearly miss her physical touch.  We miss her adorable ways to make us smile.  We miss just having her next to us and watching her sleep.  The tenderness that goldfielded a mercy worthy of our relationship.  That, constantly, reminds us of sacredness and its manifold gifts to humanity and spiritual union.

Your loss is a great pain to us.  We had fooled ourselves that the day will come later.  Much later.  We are just refusing to allow our mind to that decision, sending you to the Vet, was the strength and courage you had chosen.  You knew we would be very lost should you take your last breath in our presence at home.  You knew those are actions that must be done.  You had actually communicated with us.  Showing the unusual quiet trip to the clinic.  Not even barking and struggling as you would always do.  What you wanted was for us to give you the means to the strength that you had lost.  And all your dignity.

The white light that came to connect with you on such a beautiful day, Friday 20 March, was a great blessing.  The weather, throughout the day, was just lovely.  You even had arranged for some people to be with us.  You just knew we needed them.  And the day, it was Saturday  21 March at 3 pm, as your earthly body was cremated, the sky cried.  And so were we and our friends.  It marked an earthly closure between us.  It was the beginning for eternal re-membrance.

We are deeply thankful ...

-  To Dr Quek who tried his best.  To the Lab Technician, Robert, who took great care of the body.

-  Thank You to all our families, relatives and friends that sent condolences, love and prayers.

-  Special thanks to Jian for offering us transport on Thursday.
-  Special thanks to dear Penny, Joanne and Nel for accompanying us on Friday. 
-  Our heartfelt gratitude to our true friends, Ann and Pat,  who sacrificed their time, to be around us at all time.  For their time at the Vet on Friday to the cremation on Saturday afternoon.  For all your time accompanying us throughout the night and trying hard not to make us cry.  And, for constantly bringing back sanity into our minds.

Thank you for the constant prayers.

-  Our appreciation to Pat who accompanied us to collect the ash on Sunday.  And then, sacrificing your work, to spend with us the whole afternoon.

-  To Mr Osman, at the Cremation, who provided us the compassion and the respect final goodbye.

My little request:

I believe in the power of prayer.  I am asking for everyone's prayers as you read this blog.  For a little prayer to Ruby.  For her soul to rest in peace .. For her spirit live on forever.

Thank you all.  May God be with you.

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