I am praying. Maybe not enough. Maybe too hard.
I am very aware of my grief. It is not easy to deceive myself that Ruby's gone. The acceptance is in place. It has been accorded with love. That, death is certain. That, it is a natural process. Still, I am experiencing profound sadness. I am all warped with feelings of emptiness. Of despair. Of yearning and deep loneliness. I still cry a lot. From nowhere, the tears will just begin to flow. I am missing a beloved soul. There is just a void feeling to nurture and care for someone whom I love so much. I still feel, somewhat in small degree, emotionally unstable.
Memories of her last day are still vivid. Words that I spoke to her echoed with some guilt, somehow. Ringing sadness. Words of hope, of good faith, could actually stove for higher good. Mismatched between choices. Landscaping of how fragile I am as her caregiver.
Guess, this blog will just have to bear with my healing process. I am facing my feelings and will not suppress my grief. I have to acknowledge the pain to avoid unresolved grief in the future. Not to be trapped in complicated grief. I want my grief to metamorphose into a loving memory. Laid forever with a peaceful reminiscence of what love is all about.
For now, I am not going to tell myself how to feel nor am I going to tell myself that it is time to 'move on' or 'get over it'. I am letting myself to feel whatever I feel without embarrassment or judgement. It will be an invaluable lesson of reflection and realization. Of my highest good. For my highest good. I want to believe it so. To find new strength that will enable me to continue with my life's journey. To regain peace of mind.
Her departure means the loss of a non-judgmental love source. From a person, who used not in tune with a dog, her departure chokes me. Emotionally. Spiritually.
Ruby was not just a pet. She was not. Ruby was a trusted companion. A partner. She provided unwavering love. Affection. Companionship. Qualities that are hard to match in human form. She played a large part in me. She weaved into fabric of my daily lives. With her presence, she was my best source of unconditional love. Becoming the ideal child and a true friend. She listened without judgement. Without reproach. She accepted me exactly as I am. Always there. Ever forgiving and never hold grudges - no matter how much change I endure.
She was beyond companionship. She lifted my spirits.
Even in her passing, she never failed to care. The bonds that we had, none of them trivial or without value, carried on. Somehow, the pain that I used to have is now gone. My left frozen shoulder is no longer having the stinging needle pain. So, is my left sole. These pains, which I had them for so long, just disappeared the day she crossed over.
So, it is only a natural response that I am grieving. She is a significant loss. It is my emotional suffering when such love is being taken away. Each moment, as I think about her role played in my life, and all the wonderful things she offered, I am not going to ignore the grief. Nor will I try to keep it from surfacing. For real healing to take place, it is necessary for me to face and actively deal with it.
Grief is never a series of stages. It does not have the orderly and precise five syllabus of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - in that order. It is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs. Highs and lows.
My family and friends have given me great support. Ruby is blessing me to have them around. Most of them don't even have a dog in their life. It is understandable if they could not understand how I could be so upset about losing just a pet. Yet, for them to be around speaks volume. For them to understand my grief is god-sent. Their love makes the burden of my grief easier to carry. I am very thankful. Yes, I am.
My grief is taking me to embrace my spiritual and emotional realms. To better equip me to live and love fully. I am fortunate to cry, to tell stories and to reach out for comfort from my family and friends. When it is time, I will just know when to move on with life and to let go when I am ready.
Time will lessen the intensity of my grief. For now, there are just too much reminders. They are anywhere and everywhere. In sights. In sounds. In smells.
I offer Reiki Distant Healing