Where Are Those Happy Days Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Monday, May 11, 2009

Yes, those happy days just seem so hard to find.  And, I wonder whatever happened to love?

Memories place my heart over the head and override all sense of logic, sanity and practicality.  I am still swamped, in bits and pieces, with a bottomless void of emptiness within.  At times, it can be just as bad as a drowning man wants air.  The tumult of grief and jittery of indignation create a wave of hesitation to believe in myself.  I find myself locked with my inner most thoughts.  In some ways, twisted into darkness and in other ways, lifted into the light.

My soul cries.  I can feel rather disoriented at times.  All my relationships are changing.  Guess, the truth is I  become afraid of myself.  At times, I am wondering if the Kundalini Self Realization meditation that I had been recently initiated is causing the reactions to my psyche.  It compounded with the grief that I am still nursing within me.  I can only hope that I am undergoing a purification and growth through this difficult and painful phase of my life.

Change is ever present.  It is one certainty in our life.  It can be just like the weather, hot and humid and a wet thundery downpour the next.  That is the power of change.  It takes place without warning, yet constant.  That life will go on.  We just have to learn to accept it.  To graciously embrace and not to struggle.  That would be the only wise thing to do.  Be appeased and to let the power of positive thinking guides with the universal vibrations.  The end result? - well, it surely fills the pots of gold.

Just like the weather, we have the choice to view life from either side.  The positive and optimistic or the negative and the pessimistic.  These opposing energies interrelate.  It is the flow of energy.  They say that the winner takes it all but only when the choice is made from a positive mindset.  We are what we eat and we become what we think - A man's life is what his thoughts make of it.

Basic consciousness is our state of awareness, at any given time, using the natural principle of cause and effect.  Our loving actions are the cause, and the effect is our every increasing awareness of being interconnected with the rest of creation.

I am caught in between.  I find myself knee deep searching into cosmic spiritual consciousness.  Have a glorious desire that would shiver my soul with delight.  To fill with abundant energy with positive attitudes with nature's law.  To become an asset to life, manifest within the principles, that keep our Universe running rhythmically and harmoniously.  Finding my sorrow as my hope for a better tomorrow.  Turning my pain to settle into the right spaces of the the right places keeping me whole.  Letting me be who I envision myself to be.

I have loved.  I have learned.  And, I have lost.  Deep down, despite all the roller coasters, there must be hope.  There must be courage.  There must be a light at the end of the tunnel.  The faith towards deep love consciousness.  I just need to be aware amongst the ebbs and flows of opportunities.

Admittedly, I am currently struggling to find my own path.  Thinking, and feeling, free to sail off the wind beneath my heart.  I am pretending to live life.  To keep me afloat in the stormy weather.  To sail and just wanting to live another day.  Still, my heart is bleeding.  Tears are still a constant companion.  It can be tiring at the end of the day.  Just to pretend that nothing has ever happened.  There is a big hole in my heart.  Something is just dead.

I fear at my own restlessness.  And, hopefully not blind sighted to follow the path which is right for me.  I have always considered myself a healer.  But today, I wonder at the battles and foes of life.  What in life makes me to conspire in the agony of misunderstanding grief hoping  for the master plan to bail me out.  My soul jerks with the twist of proclivities expelling my inconsistencies, reducing me to an outer shell of the inner me to protect itself.  I feel out of place and could not put a reason behind the feelings.  Perhaps, I am walking a different path now.  A path that asks for qualitative insight.  Away from the critical mass.

Will there ever exist a me that is me that is consistent with its perfect imperfections?  To keep me alive within the tunnel of nervous energy between vital connection in a thought of indefinite wave quantum.  Can I touch the space between sorrow and to find joy?  Can I be free in my own happiness?

I cry for expression of balance and harmony.  I mourn for gentle stroke of love.  For the tiniest flame to understand the experience in my life to develop infinite consciousness of bliss.  The force for higher consciousness to enjoy natural peace and contentment.  For a noble soul to emerge within my scared space that has lost between connections of hope and realities of failure.  I am reaching beneath myself to find the room to breath.  Desperately seeking my rhythm with life.

The pain of lost has stained many pages, of my soul, with tears that were meant to teach me to grow.  I cannot fathom the meaning of my dilemma.  Despite my might struggles to burn the dark spaces and searching for heaven on earth, traces of grace will guide me freely.  I feel strongly that that the Universe would want me to follow my own spirit, wherever it would take me.

The question is.. do I have the courage to do so?

Only time will tell.
Only time.

.. and I still dearly miss a beloved companion.  And, a soul mate.

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Life Without Ruby Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Sunday, April 12, 2009

It has been 24 days.  Twenty four lonely days without our beloved Ruby.  As we are slowly adapting to our new routine, the pain still remains the same.  The bruises fade but we have lost an arm.  Only all the loving memories will keep us alive.  Reiki Sanctuary has become quiet because it has to be.  This quietness is part of a bigger meaning, part of the mind and the access of perfection to a new life chapter.

Change comes naturally.  And in such a catastrophic change, it is inevitable for the possibility of change inherent in our emotional, and perhaps, spiritual growth and development.  We are reaching out to peace.  More importantly, we are trying to embrace and assimilate quality of life.  For higher meaning.  Of the intangibles, only for the purity of the souls.  For deeper joy to house graciousness towards love.  Sincerity.  Honesty.

We are keeping what is important to us.  To live for, and by, it.  To become similar to a new environment.  To take only the best and throw the rest.  Beyond that, we are seeking for a deeper shared sense of caring and concern.  A desire to grow and develop.  To accomplish spontaneous overflow of hope and tranquility.

One fleeting brilliance of light during our grief comes from the realization for true friendship.  A reflection inward of our attitude and behaviour.  Of how we are reaching out to them.  Reality is, we have friends - people whom we know and probably, just close acquaintances, and a lot gets talked about friendship.  The quantity of them that can fill all hours of the days.

The last 24 days put us to shame.  Of what we have always taken friendship so lightly.  True friendship involves relationship.  And, we learn it alot from Ann and Pat.  Through all their givings.  In all their actions.  Gripped with their convictions to make sure we continue on with our journey with peace.  And acceptance.  They make no excuses of having work or appointments, or anything, but will be with us.  Investing their time for our growth.  Sharing our lives, thoughts, feelings and frustrations.

They 'force' their presence in our hours of sorrow.  And 'force' has become such a positive action.  Acting and doing something and expecting nothing in return.  Allowing us to talk and just to listen.  Allowing us to be irrational yet radiates empathy.  Building companionship and common bond of some kind.  Their calls and visits, at odd hours, and organizing activities [just for us]  make us felt blessed.  To them, they just want the best for us.  It is in their true friendship that encourages us and make us to forgive one another where there has been an offense.  With them, unconditional love develops.

So today, we just want to say thank you to them.  The ones who have stuck by us through thick and thin.  You have shown us the real reason of true friendship and we just hope we are able to show it to others.

In poverty and other misfortunes of life,
true friends are a sure refuge.
The young they keep out of mischief;
to the old they are a comfort
and aid in their weakness,
and those in the prime of life,
they incite to noble deeds.

-  Aristotle

They bring meaning to this quote:-

"When there is love, nothing is too much trouble.  There is always time."

.. and so, we are praying we are not too late to realize.

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The Journey Home Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Wednesday, March 25, 2009

This is for me.  For me to take the strength, and courage, to move on.  For me to heal myself.  For me, with all my reflection into the past, will bring light within.  To reach for the tranquility.  Only when there is tranquility within myself that I will find light, love and peace elsewhere.

------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Ruby,

I love you very much.  You have always been so dear in my heart.  That, for the last eight years, whatever I do, it has always centered around you.  You are big in my life.  You are the light that shines in me, forever.  Though, I may have complained a little, my love conquers all.  Every time I look at you, there's understanding in your eyes.  Your soul comforts me.

I grew up always so afraid of dogs.  In fact, I could never like a dog.  I could never understand the love that they can bring us.  I could never understand the loyalty they can offer.

At the time you were born, somehow the Universe rewarded me for life lesson.  When Daniel asked me, just for the fun of it, to match my personality to a dog breed in an online quiz, I felt in love with a cavalier king charles spaniel.  I just felt so much in love that it changed everything thereon.  I had a deep desire to own you.  To be part of my life.  To walk with me.  All my fears, my reservations and everything I thought about dogs didn't matter anymore.

I spent weeks to find you.  Spent days contacting local and overseas breeders.  Spent days reading about you.  About how to care for you.  About the new journey, in our lives, to bond for our highest good.  I felt ill searching for you.

I believe God has His plan.  Together with Ann, we went to Pet Movers.  We prayed that we could find you.  When you were ready for 'sale', we were at the right place and time to meet.  The day was 8th January, 2001.  There, in a kennel cage, you were playing with your brother.  You were just about two months old.  I remember the joy watching you.  In your language, you tried asking me to take you.  Telling me that you had waited for me to come to take you home.  You came close to me yet there was this vibe that you didn't want to scare me.  You had sensed my fear.

Everyday, from then on, we learned to give to each other.  You taught me the silent language and heightened my intuition without the use of rational processes.  You opened my world for higher awareness and realization.  A gift for perceptive insights.  A torch of love regardless the difference between us.  A passage towards acceptance.  A bridge of understanding, and respect, to God's kingdom.

It has been good eight years.  I would want it to be forever.  To keep me company.  To provide.  To receive.  It actually pains me to let you go.  You are a basis for action.  For decision.  For conviction.  I cry hard.  Much harder than when I lost my parents and a sister.  I keep asking for the lesson behind your loss.  I have let you go, yes I do.  That, for all the years we spent together, death is your right passage to be with God.  That you are in a better place now.  That you are at peace.  That you are blessed to end your earthly sufferings.

I love you dearly, Ruby.  Here I am, with loneliness, filled with cherished memories that are just hard not to bring tears.  The last few days have been hard.  Doing all the usual things will hit me with a sense of loss.  It is hard not to cry doing the bed in the morning or even eating food that we used to share.  When I hear a dog barks, from the opposite block, will make me want you to be around.  When I think of other older dogs, I struggle to find sense why you have to go so young.  When I walk the memory lane, at the parks where you used to run free, I wish we can do it again this weekend.  And the next and next.

I guess it comes naturally as I have always felt the need to provide you.  Protect you.  Only to give you the best.  For you to receive the best.  Guess, it has been my gratitude in return to you.  For all the joy that you provided.  For all the good and bad you take in.  For all the trust that you have given in me.  For me to take you for granted that you will never do me wrong.  For all the love you take with a grateful heart.

You are very special to me.  For now, I am going to forgive myself.  To deal with my guilt.  I am not so much concerned with right or wrong.  We have been good to each other despite our different temperaments.  We have filled our days with love.  With a promise.  Unconditional.  We have learned to accept each other.  We acquired experiences to live.  No one can ever rob that away from us.  And, no one is to blame.

I am praying for God's light with what am I supposed to know.  What is the thing that I need to learn from life; not what my purpose is, but what's my lesson?

Your passing will leave me - and hopefully, the people around, with a lesson about being as loving, accepting and generous in life as we are in death.  About recognizing the beauty of a relationship we have when we have it.  And being grateful for it so that we do not feel ambushed by misfortunes.

No one is going to harm you anymore.  No one is going to misunderstand you anymore.  No one is going to disrespect you anymore.  It is the only sense there is to be made from your departure.

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The Sanity Of The Mind Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Sunday, March 22, 2009

One big lesson that Ruby is providing, with her departure, is about the reality of us being a human.  That, it is so hard to let go.  That, with such a loss, we can easily rack into the past.  That, imperfections are so big.  And guilt is so hard to wipe out.

The mind keeps wondering.  We question our actions.  We ask the limits of intention.  We doubt the validation of deeds.  Beyond all, we express upon the truth of all purposes.

The day we can reconcile it all, Ruby will be very proud of us.  In the silence of communication, there are messages.  You taught us to look out for subtle meanings and the significance of events.  You have made us to seek for higher awareness.  For signs that will release us of our fears.  Of worries.  And eradicate the uncertainty of thoughts.  Only to lead a life with an affection that transcends all mortal feelings.  To become a love born of devotion to one's soul and spirit.

For now, we are still deeply drowned in sorrow.  Unfortunately, we are not coping well.  It is the empty room in our surrounding.  In our hearts.  In Reiki Sanctuary.  It is the loss of a dear companion, and a very precious one.  It is the broken relationship.  It is the loneliness in the heart.  Flashes of the past magnify. 

The emotional pangs of pains can be rather unbearable.  We dearly miss her physical touch.  We miss her adorable ways to make us smile.  We miss just having her next to us and watching her sleep.  The tenderness that goldfielded a mercy worthy of our relationship.  That, constantly, reminds us of sacredness and its manifold gifts to humanity and spiritual union.

Your loss is a great pain to us.  We had fooled ourselves that the day will come later.  Much later.  We are just refusing to allow our mind to that decision, sending you to the Vet, was the strength and courage you had chosen.  You knew we would be very lost should you take your last breath in our presence at home.  You knew those are actions that must be done.  You had actually communicated with us.  Showing the unusual quiet trip to the clinic.  Not even barking and struggling as you would always do.  What you wanted was for us to give you the means to the strength that you had lost.  And all your dignity.

The white light that came to connect with you on such a beautiful day, Friday 20 March, was a great blessing.  The weather, throughout the day, was just lovely.  You even had arranged for some people to be with us.  You just knew we needed them.  And the day, it was Saturday  21 March at 3 pm, as your earthly body was cremated, the sky cried.  And so were we and our friends.  It marked an earthly closure between us.  It was the beginning for eternal re-membrance.

We are deeply thankful ...

-  To Dr Quek who tried his best.  To the Lab Technician, Robert, who took great care of the body.

-  Thank You to all our families, relatives and friends that sent condolences, love and prayers.

-  Special thanks to Jian for offering us transport on Thursday.
-  Special thanks to dear Penny, Joanne and Nel for accompanying us on Friday. 
-  Our heartfelt gratitude to our true friends, Ann and Pat,  who sacrificed their time, to be around us at all time.  For their time at the Vet on Friday to the cremation on Saturday afternoon.  For all your time accompanying us throughout the night and trying hard not to make us cry.  And, for constantly bringing back sanity into our minds.

Thank you for the constant prayers.

-  Our appreciation to Pat who accompanied us to collect the ash on Sunday.  And then, sacrificing your work, to spend with us the whole afternoon.

-  To Mr Osman, at the Cremation, who provided us the compassion and the respect final goodbye.

My little request:

I believe in the power of prayer.  I am asking for everyone's prayers as you read this blog.  For a little prayer to Ruby.  For her soul to rest in peace .. For her spirit live on forever.

Thank you all.  May God be with you.

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Enter the New Beginning - The First Step Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The D-Day!  Officially, today is the moment when our HDB application will finally be processed where all the necessary documents will be submitted and entered into HDB system.  It will also bring us nearer to the New Reiki Sanctuary.

We didn't have a good sleep - perhaps, it is the anxiety built up waiting for this day.  We woke up at about 6.30 a.m. - a little early for a non-working day for us, though the appointment was scheduled at 9.30.

Strangely, when the long awaited day is here, we greet it with a duality of emotions - of joy and sorrow.  We didn't talk much to each other for the early part of the day.  Silence makes it easier for us to reflect our inner emotion, to deal with it individually.

20 years ago, we bought our first property and it had served us well.  We didn't expect to move out.  We didn't expect to make a big change.  We always feel that we can live here a little longer - at least for the next few years till one of us reach 55.  Then, it will  be the time where we ought to plan for our retirement.

The wind of change comes and our energy is forced out of its inertia.  Change is inevitable especially when Mother Earth takes new position in her universal alignment.  It is said that this new position affects all of us mentally, physically, emotionally and, importantly, spiritually.  We are glad of the integral part and, in its sweet awareness, it is about living with the gush of overflowed abundance.  We just need to honour, grab and embrace them all.

At HDB Hub, we bumped into few people that we know.  Just like us, they are going through the HDB transactions.

Universal change, Gaia awareness.  It is here for real now.  Meeting those people shows the synchronicity of a big event coming.  We just have to be aware of it.

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