Yes, those happy days just seem so hard to find. And, I wonder whatever happened to love?
Memories place my heart over the head and override all sense of logic, sanity and practicality. I am still swamped, in bits and pieces, with a bottomless void of emptiness within. At times, it can be just as bad as a drowning man wants air. The tumult of grief and jittery of indignation create a wave of hesitation to believe in myself. I find myself locked with my inner most thoughts. In some ways, twisted into darkness and in other ways, lifted into the light.
My soul cries. I can feel rather disoriented at times. All my relationships are changing. Guess, the truth is I become afraid of myself. At times, I am wondering if the Kundalini Self Realization meditation that I had been recently initiated is causing the reactions to my psyche. It compounded with the grief that I am still nursing within me. I can only hope that I am undergoing a purification and growth through this difficult and painful phase of my life.
Change is ever present. It is one certainty in our life. It can be just like the weather, hot and humid and a wet thundery downpour the next. That is the power of change. It takes place without warning, yet constant. That life will go on. We just have to learn to accept it. To graciously embrace and not to struggle. That would be the only wise thing to do. Be appeased and to let the power of positive thinking guides with the universal vibrations. The end result? - well, it surely fills the pots of gold.
Just like the weather, we have the choice to view life from either side. The positive and optimistic or the negative and the pessimistic. These opposing energies interrelate. It is the flow of energy. They say that the winner takes it all but only when the choice is made from a positive mindset. We are what we eat and we become what we think - A man's life is what his thoughts make of it.
Basic consciousness is our state of awareness, at any given time, using the natural principle of cause and effect. Our loving actions are the cause, and the effect is our every increasing awareness of being interconnected with the rest of creation.
I am caught in between. I find myself knee deep searching into cosmic spiritual consciousness. Have a glorious desire that would shiver my soul with delight. To fill with abundant energy with positive attitudes with nature's law. To become an asset to life, manifest within the principles, that keep our Universe running rhythmically and harmoniously. Finding my sorrow as my hope for a better tomorrow. Turning my pain to settle into the right spaces of the the right places keeping me whole. Letting me be who I envision myself to be.
I have loved. I have learned. And, I have lost. Deep down, despite all the roller coasters, there must be hope. There must be courage. There must be a light at the end of the tunnel. The faith towards deep love consciousness. I just need to be aware amongst the ebbs and flows of opportunities.
Admittedly, I am currently struggling to find my own path. Thinking, and feeling, free to sail off the wind beneath my heart. I am pretending to live life. To keep me afloat in the stormy weather. To sail and just wanting to live another day. Still, my heart is bleeding. Tears are still a constant companion. It can be tiring at the end of the day. Just to pretend that nothing has ever happened. There is a big hole in my heart. Something is just dead.
I fear at my own restlessness. And, hopefully not blind sighted to follow the path which is right for me. I have always considered myself a healer. But today, I wonder at the battles and foes of life. What in life makes me to conspire in the agony of misunderstanding grief hoping for the master plan to bail me out. My soul jerks with the twist of proclivities expelling my inconsistencies, reducing me to an outer shell of the inner me to protect itself. I feel out of place and could not put a reason behind the feelings. Perhaps, I am walking a different path now. A path that asks for qualitative insight. Away from the critical mass.
Will there ever exist a me that is me that is consistent with its perfect imperfections? To keep me alive within the tunnel of nervous energy between vital connection in a thought of indefinite wave quantum. Can I touch the space between sorrow and to find joy? Can I be free in my own happiness?
I cry for expression of balance and harmony. I mourn for gentle stroke of love. For the tiniest flame to understand the experience in my life to develop infinite consciousness of bliss. The force for higher consciousness to enjoy natural peace and contentment. For a noble soul to emerge within my scared space that has lost between connections of hope and realities of failure. I am reaching beneath myself to find the room to breath. Desperately seeking my rhythm with life.
The pain of lost has stained many pages, of my soul, with tears that were meant to teach me to grow. I cannot fathom the meaning of my dilemma. Despite my might struggles to burn the dark spaces and searching for heaven on earth, traces of grace will guide me freely. I feel strongly that that the Universe would want me to follow my own spirit, wherever it would take me.
The question is.. do I have the courage to do so?
Only time will tell.
Only time.
.. and I still dearly miss a beloved companion. And, a soul mate.
I offer Reiki Distant Healing