This is for a friend, KS.
Somehow reading your blog brings a lot of sorrow. It brings tears rolling down and makes my heart screaming out the pain that I have kept for so long. Your sorrow has become my guide. Your words are the voice of God that I have been hoping to hear. And 'Thank You' for helping me to cry hard.
Perhaps, we have been denying our existence. That we pretend to be who we are not and, when something big is about to happen, we are drawn back to our past so that we can reflect. I feel your pain and the explosion of confusion that has erupted. It leaves you, and me, with a bleeding heart and a wound that you call "lonely'.
It is only natural, my dear friend. You have lived your life for the namesake of others. You put others ahead of you. And, even when your loneliness faintly knocks on you, you disregarded it. Your Self now demands your attention - not because the Self is angry but it has come to give you back the unconditional love. The Self wants you to take charge and, perhaps, to learn to surrender and accept.
Perhaps, it is about gratitude. Perhaps, the difference in goal is about your learning to make it good. Perhaps, it is about acceptance. A new course of life awaits you and it shall come to those who are ready to accept it. It shall expand the love that you had believed in .. only this time, it is about opening up, about communication, about space, about letting go and unify the new, about you and what you truly want. At the end of it all, it is about embracing the life that you had created and bridging all the unspoken differences.
Do not throw and give up love when you have internalized 'Yes I still love him very much'. Do not throw what you already have. Surrender and honour what you had wanted [9 years ago]. The only way you can win is when you surrender to love - the love that you cannot let go nor can you abandon it from him.
At a crossroad, it is natural that we start to make comparison. We magnify the differences hoping that we can find the answers and, conveniently, throw what we had built. We struggle to find faults and yet we do not know why. And then, we turn away, hit ourselves on the wall and we stumble and fall.
It will not be easy when we keep on running. Perhaps, we need to stop and just give in. And re-evaluate within it our dreams, our goals, our wants, our desires, our images, our feelings, our thoughts.
Take a breather. Just sit and start to love yourself all over again. There is always a reason. Someone wrote this and there's just so much truth to it when we allow ourselves to understand it:
"If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again."
Do not live life to regret that we didn't try, my friend. It is the small things that will give to the bigger one - start giving love and, the only thing that can happen, is love in return.
My prayers are with you. My apology for not being there when, I thought, you wanted to chat with me yesterday night online.
I offer Reiki Distant Healing