Thursday, July 10, 2008

The Restlessness - again ..

When I am supposed to be happy that renovation and hacking have started, that our general contractor is doing a pretty good job and Chiauw is getting very much excited, my energy has just sapped.  On my worst day, I couldn't even stand for 5 minutes at a time.  I literally could barely do what I need to do.  There's fogbank coming into my head.

I have moment of strange feeling of exhaustion infiltrated like a dark spirit.  I remember this exact feeling back to those days when I was searching for meaning of life some 15 years ago.  Everything around me halted.  There were plenty of questions and the unseemingly internal restless emotional turmoils.  And when I wanted it to stop, I simply created a sanctuary within myself.  I stopped my social life.  I shunned my friends.  Loneliness was the only friend that I endeared.

When I got a new place, 'sanctuary' came to mind to describe the new home.  It will be a safety haven, a sacred place and a right of asylum to my soul.  I didn't think much that the energy will manifest all over again. 

Something is definitely happening yet I am lost with baseless rationale.  In emptiness, I am filled with acute restlessness.  Joy and sorrow, peace and trouble, love and indifference - they are thinly separating my senses.  There are works to be done.  There are people waiting for my attention.  There are problems that need to resolve.  Yet, I choose to procrastinate.

Hertford is crying and, probably, she is praying for a new life for me.   She is aware that she will be gone .. and forever.  That before I am totally uprooted to the next sanctuary, she has to replay my past emotions.  Yet, I am soaking in this restlessness helplessly.  I am reaching out to the rainbow and, still, I find it is a long call to reach the light at the end of this tunnel.

Perhaps, I am desperate this time round.  With her departure, Hertford is probably asking me to focus on new goals and to envision what is truly important in my life ahead.  Guess, I am just selfish.  Or am I lost and confused?

I have started my journey and made to rethink and making choices.  At this end of this turn, I am praying harder that my life choices are wiser.  That the restlessness will not be ocean deep.

For now, guess, I am just afraid.

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    I am a certified Master in Traditional USUI REIKI and KARUNA REIKI. I am also a certified practitioner in MAGNIFIED HEALING and INNER DANCE.

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