Where Are Those Happy Days Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Monday, May 11, 2009

Yes, those happy days just seem so hard to find.  And, I wonder whatever happened to love?

Memories place my heart over the head and override all sense of logic, sanity and practicality.  I am still swamped, in bits and pieces, with a bottomless void of emptiness within.  At times, it can be just as bad as a drowning man wants air.  The tumult of grief and jittery of indignation create a wave of hesitation to believe in myself.  I find myself locked with my inner most thoughts.  In some ways, twisted into darkness and in other ways, lifted into the light.

My soul cries.  I can feel rather disoriented at times.  All my relationships are changing.  Guess, the truth is I  become afraid of myself.  At times, I am wondering if the Kundalini Self Realization meditation that I had been recently initiated is causing the reactions to my psyche.  It compounded with the grief that I am still nursing within me.  I can only hope that I am undergoing a purification and growth through this difficult and painful phase of my life.

Change is ever present.  It is one certainty in our life.  It can be just like the weather, hot and humid and a wet thundery downpour the next.  That is the power of change.  It takes place without warning, yet constant.  That life will go on.  We just have to learn to accept it.  To graciously embrace and not to struggle.  That would be the only wise thing to do.  Be appeased and to let the power of positive thinking guides with the universal vibrations.  The end result? - well, it surely fills the pots of gold.

Just like the weather, we have the choice to view life from either side.  The positive and optimistic or the negative and the pessimistic.  These opposing energies interrelate.  It is the flow of energy.  They say that the winner takes it all but only when the choice is made from a positive mindset.  We are what we eat and we become what we think - A man's life is what his thoughts make of it.

Basic consciousness is our state of awareness, at any given time, using the natural principle of cause and effect.  Our loving actions are the cause, and the effect is our every increasing awareness of being interconnected with the rest of creation.

I am caught in between.  I find myself knee deep searching into cosmic spiritual consciousness.  Have a glorious desire that would shiver my soul with delight.  To fill with abundant energy with positive attitudes with nature's law.  To become an asset to life, manifest within the principles, that keep our Universe running rhythmically and harmoniously.  Finding my sorrow as my hope for a better tomorrow.  Turning my pain to settle into the right spaces of the the right places keeping me whole.  Letting me be who I envision myself to be.

I have loved.  I have learned.  And, I have lost.  Deep down, despite all the roller coasters, there must be hope.  There must be courage.  There must be a light at the end of the tunnel.  The faith towards deep love consciousness.  I just need to be aware amongst the ebbs and flows of opportunities.

Admittedly, I am currently struggling to find my own path.  Thinking, and feeling, free to sail off the wind beneath my heart.  I am pretending to live life.  To keep me afloat in the stormy weather.  To sail and just wanting to live another day.  Still, my heart is bleeding.  Tears are still a constant companion.  It can be tiring at the end of the day.  Just to pretend that nothing has ever happened.  There is a big hole in my heart.  Something is just dead.

I fear at my own restlessness.  And, hopefully not blind sighted to follow the path which is right for me.  I have always considered myself a healer.  But today, I wonder at the battles and foes of life.  What in life makes me to conspire in the agony of misunderstanding grief hoping  for the master plan to bail me out.  My soul jerks with the twist of proclivities expelling my inconsistencies, reducing me to an outer shell of the inner me to protect itself.  I feel out of place and could not put a reason behind the feelings.  Perhaps, I am walking a different path now.  A path that asks for qualitative insight.  Away from the critical mass.

Will there ever exist a me that is me that is consistent with its perfect imperfections?  To keep me alive within the tunnel of nervous energy between vital connection in a thought of indefinite wave quantum.  Can I touch the space between sorrow and to find joy?  Can I be free in my own happiness?

I cry for expression of balance and harmony.  I mourn for gentle stroke of love.  For the tiniest flame to understand the experience in my life to develop infinite consciousness of bliss.  The force for higher consciousness to enjoy natural peace and contentment.  For a noble soul to emerge within my scared space that has lost between connections of hope and realities of failure.  I am reaching beneath myself to find the room to breath.  Desperately seeking my rhythm with life.

The pain of lost has stained many pages, of my soul, with tears that were meant to teach me to grow.  I cannot fathom the meaning of my dilemma.  Despite my might struggles to burn the dark spaces and searching for heaven on earth, traces of grace will guide me freely.  I feel strongly that that the Universe would want me to follow my own spirit, wherever it would take me.

The question is.. do I have the courage to do so?

Only time will tell.
Only time.

.. and I still dearly miss a beloved companion.  And, a soul mate.

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Nothing Is A Coincidence Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Thursday, April 23, 2009

The more I observe the world around me, the more I believe that nothing is a coincidence.  A lot of our daily interactions, all the reciprocal actions and reactions in our daily life, are not just random quirks of the Universe.  We need to watch our thoughts and possibly every thought that comes to mind.  Results depend on where the thought is - it sets up an entire chain of counter reactions and actions.  There is a reason for everything.  Even tragedy.  And, I would always want to believe that everything that happens will happen for a good reason.

There is significant message in every event of our lives.  From the most joyful and empowering to the inexplicable or seemingly unjust.  We just need to discover the meaning in what has happened and to see these experiences as gifts.  As lessons.  As opportunities.  We need to see every difficulty as a challenge.  A stepping stone.  Coincidences have genius, magic and power in them.  They are "designed" to be our conversation with God.  They are there for a reason and we should never be defeated by anything, or anyone.  They are the dawn of change for us to use of the nature's way.  They are the forces close at hand untried.

It cannot be only a coincidence, that afternoon when I spoke to Ruby not to fight nor struggle anymore that she slipped my hands to join the Rainbow Bridge later.  Coincidences follow a set pattern and have a higher purpose.  It is just that we fail to notice it.  We are unable to notice because we are often too caught up with our busy schedule.  With our refusal to see the truth.  With our disregard to our higher awareness.  With all the clouds of scepticism.

Two weeks before Ruby passed away, an incident happened when I thought she had gone missing.  For a good twenty minutes, I could not find her in the house and thought I had lost her.  I was frantic.  I was crying.  She felt my emotions.  The Universe must have led her to know that I may not reach the dawn saved by the path of the night should she passed away in the house.

We need to smell the roses, so to speak and to pause to ponder in order for us to link the usual happenings, in our daily life, for a greater scheme of things.  Answers to all our doubts, worries and fears - or even joy, are right in front of us all the time.  Question is, are we conscious enough to associate them?  To become natural with the flow and find solace and strength in our lives.  Becoming aware of the coincidences is one definite step towards our spiritual evolution.

We are living not in a material universe but exist within a universe that has been created out of dynamic energy.  When we discover the true meaning of the events in our life that everything changes.  We become wiser when we see how everything connects.

Those spoken words told to Ruby as not to fight and struggle any longer were reflection of my mental past.  I was not in touch with the life that I intend to lead.  Until I get to it, nothing is going to feel right.  It is her death that makes sense of the catastrophe.  I am overcoming obstacles to realize my potential, strength and will power.  To be in harmony within a relationship, reaching a stage of philosophical understanding at one with the world.

When the light has appeared, where does the darkness go?  How can one wish to hold for long the light of the setting sun?

Nothing is a co-incidence.  The people we meet affect our life.  The successes and downfalls that we experience create who we are.  The rejections and the bad experiences can be lessons about trust.

We may think we have a choice in what we do, but in reality, we will always make the same decision when all the situations around us remain the same.  The one we think is the right one at that time.  The right way, or passage, does not belong to things seen nor to things unseen.  It does not belong to things known, nor to things unknown.  We just have to open ourselves as wide as the sky to allow the way.

For now, it is about time that I should start trusting my intuition rather than letting practicality override all my thoughts.  The thing is, everyone of us have an inherent energy that can be projected in any direction if only we can focus on it for long.  We just need to allow our souls with the power of positive thinking.  No soul that aspires can ever fail to rise; no heart that loves can ever be abandoned.

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The God in Me Greets The God in You Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Thursday, April 16, 2009

Had a good conversation, and a healing session,  with a dear friend yesterday.

Dear Friend [DF] :  It seems that you have an unresolved grief.  I would classify it as 'guilt'.  Do you want to talk about it?

Me :  I am very much aware of what is happening.  It has become an internal struggle.  I am threading on a thin line between letting go and holding on to her memories.

DF  :  What have you let go?  Just listening to you, it dawns on me that you are stuck with the events on her last day.  You beat yourselves up for all the things you had done what you did.  But we cannot bring her back.  We cannot change what you did or did not do.

What we can do is to stop hurting ourselves.  Each of us, in our own way, did what we thought was right at the time, using what we knew and felt.  Each of us tried to do the best we could, and did it with the intention of love.  We are human beings, with frailties and faults.  We don't know everything.  We make mistakes.  But we make them with the best of intentions.  I am sure you did exactly that too.

To hurt yourself with the terrible additional pain of guilt is to do dis-service to the love you have for Ruby.  She is gone and out of pain.  Be fair to who you are now.

Me :  Somehow, thinking about her last day makes me sad.  Not so much of guilt but the chord of awareness between us that took place.  The divinity at work.

DF  :  When we didn't know enough, or made an innocent mistake, do we believe that she did not understand?  And love and forgive you in spite of it?  I believe she does and that what dogs do.

You need to forgive yourself.  You need to quit blaming yourself for being a caregiver.  For being human.  Know that Ruby does not blame you.  She understands because she knows your heart.
 

Let's go through that last day.  Make it accountable.  That's the only way you can let it go.  I am not going to judge but I am here to provide lessons for you, for us, to keep learning.  Every pebble of knowledge will ripple.

****************************************************

As suggested by a dear friend that I should journalise the event, and here it goes:

The Day As It Happened
- without rational process

That morning, I woke up with a heavy heart.  In fact, I would always feel down whenever Ruby was not feeling well.  Whenever she would be restless and not her normal self.  I would always have the thought that her heart or liver, or even her blood count, would be 'in danger'.  Her last medical check-up, on 14th February, didn't show a good sign.  She was not in any health danger but we were warned, by the Vet, to monitor her closely and to see for vital signs of organs failing.

When F left the house that morning, Ruby was not whining.  She was not even strong enough to stand up and get off the bed.  She was fine the day before.  But that morning, she was rather weak.  Somewhat restless.  Ruby would always whine or make some noise everytime F was about to leave the house.  I carried her and we both sent F off to work.

I put her back on the bed, stroked to comfort her and went on to do my morning routine.  I expected her to come to find me in the kitchen, which she would normally do whenever I left her too long alone in the bedroom.  Where she would either just come to see what I would be doing and walked back to the bedroom or the balcony.  Or she would be sitting around if she wanted to eat something. 

Somehow that morning, I had a deja vu.  I had the exact feeling of my late dad.  I decided to check on her.  There she was, laid restlessly on the bed, only opening her eyes to look at me.  My heart sank.

Resting on the bed, I gave her Reiki treatment.  She would normally respond well.  After about half an hour, I let her rest and tried to force myself to do my stuffs.  But somehow, I felt like doing nothing.  I spent the rest of the day lying with her.  Stroking and petting her and never stopped to give Reiki.  She was too weak for anything.  Not even able to drink nor eat.  

That day, I decided not to give her the medicines.  I struggled with the decision because the meds were important to her.  But somehow, I just could not do it.  I knew she would be struggling to swallow them even if I forced it.  I just didn't feel it was a right thing to do that day.

F called in the afternoon telling me that he had made an appointment with the Vet for Saturday.  Somehow, he just knew.  Somehow, instinctively, he knew we needed to bring Ruby to the Vet.  We felt Ruby would be better after a day of inactivity and Saturday would not make that much difference.  I then told him that Ruby had not even been out of the bed since that morning. 

Tried to spoonfeed her some water few times.  She could only lift up her head but didn't drink even though I felt she wanted to. I was at my low as time passed. 

Looking at her struggling to stand up made it worst for me.  She tried to go to the toilet.  That broke my heart actually.  Slowly, she managed to do it but it took her a long while.  She had to stop few times, probably, to find more strength before continuing to the paper for her business.  I felt terribly sad just looking at her, at how she struggled, and not knowing what would be the right thing to do.  I felt she was doing her best, wanting to do the right thing.  It looked like she was in great pain and fighting it off.

I carried her around the house.  Took her to the kitchen hoping that she would have appetite to eat.  She was not in the mood.  Perhaps, she was feeling too weak to eat anything.  Back in my arms, she gave a little struggle when I was carrying her at the window.  She loved looking out but not that afternoon.

I carried her back to the bed.  That afternoon when I stroked her, and for the first time, I cried.  I just could not control anymore.  I felt terribly sad.  Ruby just looked at me.  And for the first time, I told her "Ruby, you are very sick dear.  Should you need to go, go peacefully.  Don't fight anymore.  Don't struggle anymore.  We will always love you."  Those words just came and I sobbed uncontrollably.  There was a sense of guilt afterwards.  Yet, I felt it was the right thing to do.

I spent the rest of the day sleeping next to her.  When it was time for F to come home, Ruby tried to get out of the bed.  I helped her, thinking that she might want to go to the toilet again.  Instead, she walked out of the bedroom heading towards the balcony.  I felt relieved.  At last, she was walking again.

I just looked at her from behind.  She managed slow and small steps.  I tried getting her to go to the kitchen.  For her to eat something.  She continued heading to the balcony.  She fell as she got there and struggled to stand up.  Again, I was hit with sadness and tears just rolled down.  There were heaps of sorrow.  I felt lost and restless at the same time.

I carried and placed her to the sofa.  Stroking and comforting her.  My tears just kept rolling down.  I tried not to cry.  I didn't want to spread my sadness to her.  Somehow, something was telling me that she wanted to greet F as he got home.  When F got home soon after that, she stood up and sat on her paws.  She was too weak to wag but we knew she was happy.

We decided to go to the Vet that evening.  Somehow, we felt we could not wait till Saturday.  Ruby needed medical attention.  Her stomach was bloated.

Ruby was pretty quiet when we told her that we would bring her to the clinic.  She would normally bark whenever we were leaving the house, but not this time.  Not even struggling when we were in the taxi.  She just laid quietly on my laps.  We waited for almost an hour before the Vet could attend to her.  By then, we had the Clinic Assistant to get the blood test done.

It was only when the Vet was examining her, that we noticed she had turned yellow.  We were asked to look out for such sign but it wasn't there earlier.  It was jaundice.  We had more bad news.  Her blood test didn't show good results.  The Vet told us that her blood count was extremely low.  She was anaemic.  And her liver was failing.  She needed to be hospitalised.  She needed to be given drips.  And further test will only be carried out the next morning.  We were reluctant to leave her there but the Vet assured us "Ruby will be alright.  She will not passed away."

Ruby looked calm when we stroked her before we left.  Not even moving.  Just staring at us.  We told her that we had to leave her there and that we would be back tomorrow.  She looked at us as we walked out of the room.  Just looking.  There was no struggle.  There was no whining.  It was, somehow, a calm feeling as we bade goodbye.  And she just kept looking at us with peace in her eyes.

We cried the minute we were out of the clinic.  We felt lost.  Somehow, we didn't feel good.  We comforted each other echoing the Vet's assurance and just to pray for the best.  We planned to visit her the next day, with me going in the afternoon first.  I did more distant Reiki that night.

Somehow, at about 4.30 in the morning, I suddenly woke up.  There was an uneasy feeling.  I felt there was a flash of light.  My thoughts were with Ruby.  I told F that Ruby was calling.  We dismissed any negative thought and continued to pray and went back to sleep.

We planned the day.  We hoped for the best.  Just after 9 a.m., the Vet called me.  My world had shattered.  Suddenly, there was a huge tsunami clouding me.  My heart broke as he said "I am very sorry ..."

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Life Without Ruby Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Sunday, April 12, 2009

It has been 24 days.  Twenty four lonely days without our beloved Ruby.  As we are slowly adapting to our new routine, the pain still remains the same.  The bruises fade but we have lost an arm.  Only all the loving memories will keep us alive.  Reiki Sanctuary has become quiet because it has to be.  This quietness is part of a bigger meaning, part of the mind and the access of perfection to a new life chapter.

Change comes naturally.  And in such a catastrophic change, it is inevitable for the possibility of change inherent in our emotional, and perhaps, spiritual growth and development.  We are reaching out to peace.  More importantly, we are trying to embrace and assimilate quality of life.  For higher meaning.  Of the intangibles, only for the purity of the souls.  For deeper joy to house graciousness towards love.  Sincerity.  Honesty.

We are keeping what is important to us.  To live for, and by, it.  To become similar to a new environment.  To take only the best and throw the rest.  Beyond that, we are seeking for a deeper shared sense of caring and concern.  A desire to grow and develop.  To accomplish spontaneous overflow of hope and tranquility.

One fleeting brilliance of light during our grief comes from the realization for true friendship.  A reflection inward of our attitude and behaviour.  Of how we are reaching out to them.  Reality is, we have friends - people whom we know and probably, just close acquaintances, and a lot gets talked about friendship.  The quantity of them that can fill all hours of the days.

The last 24 days put us to shame.  Of what we have always taken friendship so lightly.  True friendship involves relationship.  And, we learn it alot from Ann and Pat.  Through all their givings.  In all their actions.  Gripped with their convictions to make sure we continue on with our journey with peace.  And acceptance.  They make no excuses of having work or appointments, or anything, but will be with us.  Investing their time for our growth.  Sharing our lives, thoughts, feelings and frustrations.

They 'force' their presence in our hours of sorrow.  And 'force' has become such a positive action.  Acting and doing something and expecting nothing in return.  Allowing us to talk and just to listen.  Allowing us to be irrational yet radiates empathy.  Building companionship and common bond of some kind.  Their calls and visits, at odd hours, and organizing activities [just for us]  make us felt blessed.  To them, they just want the best for us.  It is in their true friendship that encourages us and make us to forgive one another where there has been an offense.  With them, unconditional love develops.

So today, we just want to say thank you to them.  The ones who have stuck by us through thick and thin.  You have shown us the real reason of true friendship and we just hope we are able to show it to others.

In poverty and other misfortunes of life,
true friends are a sure refuge.
The young they keep out of mischief;
to the old they are a comfort
and aid in their weakness,
and those in the prime of life,
they incite to noble deeds.

-  Aristotle

They bring meaning to this quote:-

"When there is love, nothing is too much trouble.  There is always time."

.. and so, we are praying we are not too late to realize.

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Coping With Grief Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I am praying.  Maybe not enough.  Maybe too hard.

I am very aware of my grief.  It is not easy to deceive myself that Ruby's gone.  The acceptance is in place.  It has been accorded with love.  That, death is certain.  That, it is a natural process.  Still, I am experiencing profound sadness.  I am all warped with feelings of emptiness.  Of despair.  Of yearning and deep loneliness.  I still cry a lot.  From nowhere, the tears will just begin to flow.  I am missing a beloved soul.  There is just a void feeling to nurture and care for someone whom I love so much.  I still feel, somewhat in small degree, emotionally unstable.

Memories of her last day are still vivid.  Words that I spoke to her echoed with some guilt, somehow.  Ringing  sadness.  Words of hope, of good faith, could actually stove for higher good.  Mismatched between choices.  Landscaping of how fragile I am as her caregiver.

Guess, this blog will just have to bear with my healing process.  I am facing my feelings and will not suppress my grief.  I have to acknowledge the pain to avoid unresolved grief in the future.  Not to be trapped in complicated grief.  I want my grief to metamorphose into a loving memory.  Laid forever with a peaceful reminiscence of what love is all about.

For now, I am not going to tell myself how to feel nor am I going to tell myself that it is time to 'move on' or 'get over it'.  I am letting myself to feel whatever I feel without embarrassment or judgement.  It will be an invaluable lesson of reflection and realization.  Of my highest good.  For my highest good.  I want to believe it so.  To find new strength that will enable me to continue with my life's journey.  To regain peace of mind.

Her departure means the loss of a non-judgmental love source.  From a person, who used not in tune with a dog, her departure chokes me.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.

Ruby was not just a pet.  She was not.  Ruby was a trusted companion.  A partner.  She provided unwavering love.  Affection.  Companionship.  Qualities that are hard to match in human form.  She played a large part in me.  She weaved into fabric of my daily lives.  With her presence, she was my best source of unconditional love.  Becoming the ideal child and a true friend.  She listened without judgement.  Without reproach.  She accepted me exactly as I am.  Always there.  Ever forgiving and never hold grudges - no matter how much change I endure.

She was beyond companionship.  She lifted my spirits.

Even in her passing, she never failed to care.  The bonds that we had, none of them trivial or without value, carried on.  Somehow, the pain that I used to have is now gone.  My left frozen shoulder is no longer having the stinging needle pain.  So, is my left sole.  These pains, which I had them for so long, just disappeared the day she crossed over.

So, it is only a natural response that I am grieving.  She is a significant loss.  It is my emotional suffering when such love is being taken away.  Each moment, as I think about her role played in my life, and all the wonderful things she offered, I am not going to ignore the grief.  Nor will I try to keep it from surfacing.  For real healing to take place, it is necessary for me to face and actively deal with it.

Grief is never a series of stages.  It does not have the orderly and precise five syllabus of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - in that order.  It is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs.  Highs and lows.

My family and friends have given me great support.  Ruby is blessing me to have them around.  Most of them don't even have a dog in their life.  It is understandable if they could not understand how I could be so upset about losing just a pet.  Yet, for them to be around speaks volume.  For them to understand my grief is god-sent.  Their love makes the burden of my grief easier to carry.  I am very thankful.  Yes, I am.

My grief is taking me to embrace my spiritual and emotional realms.  To better equip me to live and love fully.  I am fortunate to cry, to tell stories and to reach out for comfort from my family and friends.  When it is time, I will just know when to move on with life and to let go when I am ready.

Time will lessen the intensity of my grief.  For now, there are just too much reminders.  They are anywhere and everywhere.  In sights.  In sounds.  In smells.

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