Since You've Been Gone - The 100 Days Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Sunday, June 28, 2009

This is for you, dearest Ruby.

Days come and go, and it is already the 100 days today, but all the memories of you never cease to leave us.  The remembrance that will never tire us.  All in love was true.  They shall always remain in our hearts.  Cherished in our mind.  Accompanied in all that we do.  We will always remember you.  We constantly miss you.

These 100 days are windows of change.  A test of time; a test whose time has come.  It is our shared period of realization to find our paths leading into certain passages.  To become our true self with the coming of age.  An awakening, at the end of the 100 days, for the beneficial effects of the different worlds we are in.  With all the sorrow that separates between us, there will be joy await.  There will be an ascended reunion at the end of the rainbow.

Remembering You ...

As She Was [about] 100 days before her departure

You are in the arms of God now.  With all the angels that will accompany your stay.  To guide you.  To take care of you.  You are home where you, rightfully, belong.  You are in a far wonderful place.  Free from worries.  Free from pains.  A heavenly atmosphere to fill the portals of your home and give your soul a warm and loving resting place.  The angels are your great source to your new surroundings providing you of the meaning of life.  They touch all aspects of your being and fill your new home with love and hope.

I thank you for all the days we spent together; it was a fulfilling eight years.  I thank you for giving me the light the day you departed from me.  You take away my physical pains.  I am much relieved from the needling pain of my left frozen shoulder, my left sole and the headache that I often had.  Miraculously, they are now totally gone.

There are more that you left behind.  There are the subtle metaphysical changes you have put in place.   The eventual synchronicity that comes into my life, within these 100 days, raised my consciousness.  Perhaps, this is the beacon light of your love.

Though it confuses me at times, you make me to realize my life journey.  To appreciate and embrace only the best.  To focus on what is important and reap with those that love me.  With those that accept me.  With those that care enough for me.  Just the way you were.

These 100 days guide with a beacon in almost every aspects of my life.  I find love in unexpected quarters from friends and family members that I had taken them for granted.  My thoughts about the meaning of life, or about love or about virtue or vice and about each aspect of life are slowly spelt with subtlety.  My thoughts find easy resonance with my desire.

I sense a transformation within myself with your departure.  These 100 days reveal a deeper consciousness within me.  To be aware and bring into reality the significance of my life.  To appreciate the full meaning of human bondage.  In clear transparency for social order and all the inherent weakness in the organism.  With its intensity of feelings I get from uncaring people whom I had met with reverses and in my own quiet desperation.  I forgive myself so as to forgive others.

The great learning comes on the eve of the 100th day.  You would have probably set the synchronicity; for answers to come into realization and for actions to be carried out.  It is for the new beginning.  You led me to meet wonderful people to speak angelic words of my faith for my beliefs.  To give me strength in trying times and bring the true source of happiness in times of joy.

I was moved to go for a healing workshop - an Inner Dance yesterday.  There was a subtle force to bring me there.  Perhaps, you had observed for all conditions to be favorable for me and opened the path to walk my life ahead significantly.  Throughout the whole session, not only that I felt the presence of light around, there was a constant voice - through the people around.  The message kept repeating from the beginning to the end of the session.

"In the pursuit of peace and joy that we seek in life, we cannot be pulled by people who choose - either consciously or unconsciously, to drag us away of our growth with them.  When time is right, we have to leave those that are no longer nested in the multi dimensional reality for our next waves of growth."

Today, you are now breaking it out and put forward, carrying everything in its right path.  You are teaching me that peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others but by simply accepting them as they are.  True acceptance is always without demands and expectations.  The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white.  Neither need me to do anything but be myself.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.  A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.  Whatever I can do or dream I can, begin it.  Boldness has genius, magic and power in it.  Begin it now.

These are the imprints about life you left behind.

... and till we meet again, we will always love you.

[Continue Reading ...]

Where Are Those Happy Days Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Monday, May 11, 2009

Yes, those happy days just seem so hard to find.  And, I wonder whatever happened to love?

Memories place my heart over the head and override all sense of logic, sanity and practicality.  I am still swamped, in bits and pieces, with a bottomless void of emptiness within.  At times, it can be just as bad as a drowning man wants air.  The tumult of grief and jittery of indignation create a wave of hesitation to believe in myself.  I find myself locked with my inner most thoughts.  In some ways, twisted into darkness and in other ways, lifted into the light.

My soul cries.  I can feel rather disoriented at times.  All my relationships are changing.  Guess, the truth is I  become afraid of myself.  At times, I am wondering if the Kundalini Self Realization meditation that I had been recently initiated is causing the reactions to my psyche.  It compounded with the grief that I am still nursing within me.  I can only hope that I am undergoing a purification and growth through this difficult and painful phase of my life.

Change is ever present.  It is one certainty in our life.  It can be just like the weather, hot and humid and a wet thundery downpour the next.  That is the power of change.  It takes place without warning, yet constant.  That life will go on.  We just have to learn to accept it.  To graciously embrace and not to struggle.  That would be the only wise thing to do.  Be appeased and to let the power of positive thinking guides with the universal vibrations.  The end result? - well, it surely fills the pots of gold.

Just like the weather, we have the choice to view life from either side.  The positive and optimistic or the negative and the pessimistic.  These opposing energies interrelate.  It is the flow of energy.  They say that the winner takes it all but only when the choice is made from a positive mindset.  We are what we eat and we become what we think - A man's life is what his thoughts make of it.

Basic consciousness is our state of awareness, at any given time, using the natural principle of cause and effect.  Our loving actions are the cause, and the effect is our every increasing awareness of being interconnected with the rest of creation.

I am caught in between.  I find myself knee deep searching into cosmic spiritual consciousness.  Have a glorious desire that would shiver my soul with delight.  To fill with abundant energy with positive attitudes with nature's law.  To become an asset to life, manifest within the principles, that keep our Universe running rhythmically and harmoniously.  Finding my sorrow as my hope for a better tomorrow.  Turning my pain to settle into the right spaces of the the right places keeping me whole.  Letting me be who I envision myself to be.

I have loved.  I have learned.  And, I have lost.  Deep down, despite all the roller coasters, there must be hope.  There must be courage.  There must be a light at the end of the tunnel.  The faith towards deep love consciousness.  I just need to be aware amongst the ebbs and flows of opportunities.

Admittedly, I am currently struggling to find my own path.  Thinking, and feeling, free to sail off the wind beneath my heart.  I am pretending to live life.  To keep me afloat in the stormy weather.  To sail and just wanting to live another day.  Still, my heart is bleeding.  Tears are still a constant companion.  It can be tiring at the end of the day.  Just to pretend that nothing has ever happened.  There is a big hole in my heart.  Something is just dead.

I fear at my own restlessness.  And, hopefully not blind sighted to follow the path which is right for me.  I have always considered myself a healer.  But today, I wonder at the battles and foes of life.  What in life makes me to conspire in the agony of misunderstanding grief hoping  for the master plan to bail me out.  My soul jerks with the twist of proclivities expelling my inconsistencies, reducing me to an outer shell of the inner me to protect itself.  I feel out of place and could not put a reason behind the feelings.  Perhaps, I am walking a different path now.  A path that asks for qualitative insight.  Away from the critical mass.

Will there ever exist a me that is me that is consistent with its perfect imperfections?  To keep me alive within the tunnel of nervous energy between vital connection in a thought of indefinite wave quantum.  Can I touch the space between sorrow and to find joy?  Can I be free in my own happiness?

I cry for expression of balance and harmony.  I mourn for gentle stroke of love.  For the tiniest flame to understand the experience in my life to develop infinite consciousness of bliss.  The force for higher consciousness to enjoy natural peace and contentment.  For a noble soul to emerge within my scared space that has lost between connections of hope and realities of failure.  I am reaching beneath myself to find the room to breath.  Desperately seeking my rhythm with life.

The pain of lost has stained many pages, of my soul, with tears that were meant to teach me to grow.  I cannot fathom the meaning of my dilemma.  Despite my might struggles to burn the dark spaces and searching for heaven on earth, traces of grace will guide me freely.  I feel strongly that that the Universe would want me to follow my own spirit, wherever it would take me.

The question is.. do I have the courage to do so?

Only time will tell.
Only time.

.. and I still dearly miss a beloved companion.  And, a soul mate.

[Continue Reading ...]

Nothing Is A Coincidence Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Thursday, April 23, 2009

The more I observe the world around me, the more I believe that nothing is a coincidence.  A lot of our daily interactions, all the reciprocal actions and reactions in our daily life, are not just random quirks of the Universe.  We need to watch our thoughts and possibly every thought that comes to mind.  Results depend on where the thought is - it sets up an entire chain of counter reactions and actions.  There is a reason for everything.  Even tragedy.  And, I would always want to believe that everything that happens will happen for a good reason.

There is significant message in every event of our lives.  From the most joyful and empowering to the inexplicable or seemingly unjust.  We just need to discover the meaning in what has happened and to see these experiences as gifts.  As lessons.  As opportunities.  We need to see every difficulty as a challenge.  A stepping stone.  Coincidences have genius, magic and power in them.  They are "designed" to be our conversation with God.  They are there for a reason and we should never be defeated by anything, or anyone.  They are the dawn of change for us to use of the nature's way.  They are the forces close at hand untried.

It cannot be only a coincidence, that afternoon when I spoke to Ruby not to fight nor struggle anymore that she slipped my hands to join the Rainbow Bridge later.  Coincidences follow a set pattern and have a higher purpose.  It is just that we fail to notice it.  We are unable to notice because we are often too caught up with our busy schedule.  With our refusal to see the truth.  With our disregard to our higher awareness.  With all the clouds of scepticism.

Two weeks before Ruby passed away, an incident happened when I thought she had gone missing.  For a good twenty minutes, I could not find her in the house and thought I had lost her.  I was frantic.  I was crying.  She felt my emotions.  The Universe must have led her to know that I may not reach the dawn saved by the path of the night should she passed away in the house.

We need to smell the roses, so to speak and to pause to ponder in order for us to link the usual happenings, in our daily life, for a greater scheme of things.  Answers to all our doubts, worries and fears - or even joy, are right in front of us all the time.  Question is, are we conscious enough to associate them?  To become natural with the flow and find solace and strength in our lives.  Becoming aware of the coincidences is one definite step towards our spiritual evolution.

We are living not in a material universe but exist within a universe that has been created out of dynamic energy.  When we discover the true meaning of the events in our life that everything changes.  We become wiser when we see how everything connects.

Those spoken words told to Ruby as not to fight and struggle any longer were reflection of my mental past.  I was not in touch with the life that I intend to lead.  Until I get to it, nothing is going to feel right.  It is her death that makes sense of the catastrophe.  I am overcoming obstacles to realize my potential, strength and will power.  To be in harmony within a relationship, reaching a stage of philosophical understanding at one with the world.

When the light has appeared, where does the darkness go?  How can one wish to hold for long the light of the setting sun?

Nothing is a co-incidence.  The people we meet affect our life.  The successes and downfalls that we experience create who we are.  The rejections and the bad experiences can be lessons about trust.

We may think we have a choice in what we do, but in reality, we will always make the same decision when all the situations around us remain the same.  The one we think is the right one at that time.  The right way, or passage, does not belong to things seen nor to things unseen.  It does not belong to things known, nor to things unknown.  We just have to open ourselves as wide as the sky to allow the way.

For now, it is about time that I should start trusting my intuition rather than letting practicality override all my thoughts.  The thing is, everyone of us have an inherent energy that can be projected in any direction if only we can focus on it for long.  We just need to allow our souls with the power of positive thinking.  No soul that aspires can ever fail to rise; no heart that loves can ever be abandoned.

[Continue Reading ...]

The God in Me Greets The God in You Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Thursday, April 16, 2009

Had a good conversation, and a healing session,  with a dear friend yesterday.

Dear Friend [DF] :  It seems that you have an unresolved grief.  I would classify it as 'guilt'.  Do you want to talk about it?

Me :  I am very much aware of what is happening.  It has become an internal struggle.  I am threading on a thin line between letting go and holding on to her memories.

DF  :  What have you let go?  Just listening to you, it dawns on me that you are stuck with the events on her last day.  You beat yourselves up for all the things you had done what you did.  But we cannot bring her back.  We cannot change what you did or did not do.

What we can do is to stop hurting ourselves.  Each of us, in our own way, did what we thought was right at the time, using what we knew and felt.  Each of us tried to do the best we could, and did it with the intention of love.  We are human beings, with frailties and faults.  We don't know everything.  We make mistakes.  But we make them with the best of intentions.  I am sure you did exactly that too.

To hurt yourself with the terrible additional pain of guilt is to do dis-service to the love you have for Ruby.  She is gone and out of pain.  Be fair to who you are now.

Me :  Somehow, thinking about her last day makes me sad.  Not so much of guilt but the chord of awareness between us that took place.  The divinity at work.

DF  :  When we didn't know enough, or made an innocent mistake, do we believe that she did not understand?  And love and forgive you in spite of it?  I believe she does and that what dogs do.

You need to forgive yourself.  You need to quit blaming yourself for being a caregiver.  For being human.  Know that Ruby does not blame you.  She understands because she knows your heart.
 

Let's go through that last day.  Make it accountable.  That's the only way you can let it go.  I am not going to judge but I am here to provide lessons for you, for us, to keep learning.  Every pebble of knowledge will ripple.

****************************************************

As suggested by a dear friend that I should journalise the event, and here it goes:

The Day As It Happened
- without rational process

That morning, I woke up with a heavy heart.  In fact, I would always feel down whenever Ruby was not feeling well.  Whenever she would be restless and not her normal self.  I would always have the thought that her heart or liver, or even her blood count, would be 'in danger'.  Her last medical check-up, on 14th February, didn't show a good sign.  She was not in any health danger but we were warned, by the Vet, to monitor her closely and to see for vital signs of organs failing.

When F left the house that morning, Ruby was not whining.  She was not even strong enough to stand up and get off the bed.  She was fine the day before.  But that morning, she was rather weak.  Somewhat restless.  Ruby would always whine or make some noise everytime F was about to leave the house.  I carried her and we both sent F off to work.

I put her back on the bed, stroked to comfort her and went on to do my morning routine.  I expected her to come to find me in the kitchen, which she would normally do whenever I left her too long alone in the bedroom.  Where she would either just come to see what I would be doing and walked back to the bedroom or the balcony.  Or she would be sitting around if she wanted to eat something. 

Somehow that morning, I had a deja vu.  I had the exact feeling of my late dad.  I decided to check on her.  There she was, laid restlessly on the bed, only opening her eyes to look at me.  My heart sank.

Resting on the bed, I gave her Reiki treatment.  She would normally respond well.  After about half an hour, I let her rest and tried to force myself to do my stuffs.  But somehow, I felt like doing nothing.  I spent the rest of the day lying with her.  Stroking and petting her and never stopped to give Reiki.  She was too weak for anything.  Not even able to drink nor eat.  

That day, I decided not to give her the medicines.  I struggled with the decision because the meds were important to her.  But somehow, I just could not do it.  I knew she would be struggling to swallow them even if I forced it.  I just didn't feel it was a right thing to do that day.

F called in the afternoon telling me that he had made an appointment with the Vet for Saturday.  Somehow, he just knew.  Somehow, instinctively, he knew we needed to bring Ruby to the Vet.  We felt Ruby would be better after a day of inactivity and Saturday would not make that much difference.  I then told him that Ruby had not even been out of the bed since that morning. 

Tried to spoonfeed her some water few times.  She could only lift up her head but didn't drink even though I felt she wanted to. I was at my low as time passed. 

Looking at her struggling to stand up made it worst for me.  She tried to go to the toilet.  That broke my heart actually.  Slowly, she managed to do it but it took her a long while.  She had to stop few times, probably, to find more strength before continuing to the paper for her business.  I felt terribly sad just looking at her, at how she struggled, and not knowing what would be the right thing to do.  I felt she was doing her best, wanting to do the right thing.  It looked like she was in great pain and fighting it off.

I carried her around the house.  Took her to the kitchen hoping that she would have appetite to eat.  She was not in the mood.  Perhaps, she was feeling too weak to eat anything.  Back in my arms, she gave a little struggle when I was carrying her at the window.  She loved looking out but not that afternoon.

I carried her back to the bed.  That afternoon when I stroked her, and for the first time, I cried.  I just could not control anymore.  I felt terribly sad.  Ruby just looked at me.  And for the first time, I told her "Ruby, you are very sick dear.  Should you need to go, go peacefully.  Don't fight anymore.  Don't struggle anymore.  We will always love you."  Those words just came and I sobbed uncontrollably.  There was a sense of guilt afterwards.  Yet, I felt it was the right thing to do.

I spent the rest of the day sleeping next to her.  When it was time for F to come home, Ruby tried to get out of the bed.  I helped her, thinking that she might want to go to the toilet again.  Instead, she walked out of the bedroom heading towards the balcony.  I felt relieved.  At last, she was walking again.

I just looked at her from behind.  She managed slow and small steps.  I tried getting her to go to the kitchen.  For her to eat something.  She continued heading to the balcony.  She fell as she got there and struggled to stand up.  Again, I was hit with sadness and tears just rolled down.  There were heaps of sorrow.  I felt lost and restless at the same time.

I carried and placed her to the sofa.  Stroking and comforting her.  My tears just kept rolling down.  I tried not to cry.  I didn't want to spread my sadness to her.  Somehow, something was telling me that she wanted to greet F as he got home.  When F got home soon after that, she stood up and sat on her paws.  She was too weak to wag but we knew she was happy.

We decided to go to the Vet that evening.  Somehow, we felt we could not wait till Saturday.  Ruby needed medical attention.  Her stomach was bloated.

Ruby was pretty quiet when we told her that we would bring her to the clinic.  She would normally bark whenever we were leaving the house, but not this time.  Not even struggling when we were in the taxi.  She just laid quietly on my laps.  We waited for almost an hour before the Vet could attend to her.  By then, we had the Clinic Assistant to get the blood test done.

It was only when the Vet was examining her, that we noticed she had turned yellow.  We were asked to look out for such sign but it wasn't there earlier.  It was jaundice.  We had more bad news.  Her blood test didn't show good results.  The Vet told us that her blood count was extremely low.  She was anaemic.  And her liver was failing.  She needed to be hospitalised.  She needed to be given drips.  And further test will only be carried out the next morning.  We were reluctant to leave her there but the Vet assured us "Ruby will be alright.  She will not passed away."

Ruby looked calm when we stroked her before we left.  Not even moving.  Just staring at us.  We told her that we had to leave her there and that we would be back tomorrow.  She looked at us as we walked out of the room.  Just looking.  There was no struggle.  There was no whining.  It was, somehow, a calm feeling as we bade goodbye.  And she just kept looking at us with peace in her eyes.

We cried the minute we were out of the clinic.  We felt lost.  Somehow, we didn't feel good.  We comforted each other echoing the Vet's assurance and just to pray for the best.  We planned to visit her the next day, with me going in the afternoon first.  I did more distant Reiki that night.

Somehow, at about 4.30 in the morning, I suddenly woke up.  There was an uneasy feeling.  I felt there was a flash of light.  My thoughts were with Ruby.  I told F that Ruby was calling.  We dismissed any negative thought and continued to pray and went back to sleep.

We planned the day.  We hoped for the best.  Just after 9 a.m., the Vet called me.  My world had shattered.  Suddenly, there was a huge tsunami clouding me.  My heart broke as he said "I am very sorry ..."

>br />

[Continue Reading ...]

Life Without Ruby Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Sunday, April 12, 2009

It has been 24 days.  Twenty four lonely days without our beloved Ruby.  As we are slowly adapting to our new routine, the pain still remains the same.  The bruises fade but we have lost an arm.  Only all the loving memories will keep us alive.  Reiki Sanctuary has become quiet because it has to be.  This quietness is part of a bigger meaning, part of the mind and the access of perfection to a new life chapter.

Change comes naturally.  And in such a catastrophic change, it is inevitable for the possibility of change inherent in our emotional, and perhaps, spiritual growth and development.  We are reaching out to peace.  More importantly, we are trying to embrace and assimilate quality of life.  For higher meaning.  Of the intangibles, only for the purity of the souls.  For deeper joy to house graciousness towards love.  Sincerity.  Honesty.

We are keeping what is important to us.  To live for, and by, it.  To become similar to a new environment.  To take only the best and throw the rest.  Beyond that, we are seeking for a deeper shared sense of caring and concern.  A desire to grow and develop.  To accomplish spontaneous overflow of hope and tranquility.

One fleeting brilliance of light during our grief comes from the realization for true friendship.  A reflection inward of our attitude and behaviour.  Of how we are reaching out to them.  Reality is, we have friends - people whom we know and probably, just close acquaintances, and a lot gets talked about friendship.  The quantity of them that can fill all hours of the days.

The last 24 days put us to shame.  Of what we have always taken friendship so lightly.  True friendship involves relationship.  And, we learn it alot from Ann and Pat.  Through all their givings.  In all their actions.  Gripped with their convictions to make sure we continue on with our journey with peace.  And acceptance.  They make no excuses of having work or appointments, or anything, but will be with us.  Investing their time for our growth.  Sharing our lives, thoughts, feelings and frustrations.

They 'force' their presence in our hours of sorrow.  And 'force' has become such a positive action.  Acting and doing something and expecting nothing in return.  Allowing us to talk and just to listen.  Allowing us to be irrational yet radiates empathy.  Building companionship and common bond of some kind.  Their calls and visits, at odd hours, and organizing activities [just for us]  make us felt blessed.  To them, they just want the best for us.  It is in their true friendship that encourages us and make us to forgive one another where there has been an offense.  With them, unconditional love develops.

So today, we just want to say thank you to them.  The ones who have stuck by us through thick and thin.  You have shown us the real reason of true friendship and we just hope we are able to show it to others.

In poverty and other misfortunes of life,
true friends are a sure refuge.
The young they keep out of mischief;
to the old they are a comfort
and aid in their weakness,
and those in the prime of life,
they incite to noble deeds.

-  Aristotle

They bring meaning to this quote:-

"When there is love, nothing is too much trouble.  There is always time."

.. and so, we are praying we are not too late to realize.

[Continue Reading ...]

Coping With Grief Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I am praying.  Maybe not enough.  Maybe too hard.

I am very aware of my grief.  It is not easy to deceive myself that Ruby's gone.  The acceptance is in place.  It has been accorded with love.  That, death is certain.  That, it is a natural process.  Still, I am experiencing profound sadness.  I am all warped with feelings of emptiness.  Of despair.  Of yearning and deep loneliness.  I still cry a lot.  From nowhere, the tears will just begin to flow.  I am missing a beloved soul.  There is just a void feeling to nurture and care for someone whom I love so much.  I still feel, somewhat in small degree, emotionally unstable.

Memories of her last day are still vivid.  Words that I spoke to her echoed with some guilt, somehow.  Ringing  sadness.  Words of hope, of good faith, could actually stove for higher good.  Mismatched between choices.  Landscaping of how fragile I am as her caregiver.

Guess, this blog will just have to bear with my healing process.  I am facing my feelings and will not suppress my grief.  I have to acknowledge the pain to avoid unresolved grief in the future.  Not to be trapped in complicated grief.  I want my grief to metamorphose into a loving memory.  Laid forever with a peaceful reminiscence of what love is all about.

For now, I am not going to tell myself how to feel nor am I going to tell myself that it is time to 'move on' or 'get over it'.  I am letting myself to feel whatever I feel without embarrassment or judgement.  It will be an invaluable lesson of reflection and realization.  Of my highest good.  For my highest good.  I want to believe it so.  To find new strength that will enable me to continue with my life's journey.  To regain peace of mind.

Her departure means the loss of a non-judgmental love source.  From a person, who used not in tune with a dog, her departure chokes me.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.

Ruby was not just a pet.  She was not.  Ruby was a trusted companion.  A partner.  She provided unwavering love.  Affection.  Companionship.  Qualities that are hard to match in human form.  She played a large part in me.  She weaved into fabric of my daily lives.  With her presence, she was my best source of unconditional love.  Becoming the ideal child and a true friend.  She listened without judgement.  Without reproach.  She accepted me exactly as I am.  Always there.  Ever forgiving and never hold grudges - no matter how much change I endure.

She was beyond companionship.  She lifted my spirits.

Even in her passing, she never failed to care.  The bonds that we had, none of them trivial or without value, carried on.  Somehow, the pain that I used to have is now gone.  My left frozen shoulder is no longer having the stinging needle pain.  So, is my left sole.  These pains, which I had them for so long, just disappeared the day she crossed over.

So, it is only a natural response that I am grieving.  She is a significant loss.  It is my emotional suffering when such love is being taken away.  Each moment, as I think about her role played in my life, and all the wonderful things she offered, I am not going to ignore the grief.  Nor will I try to keep it from surfacing.  For real healing to take place, it is necessary for me to face and actively deal with it.

Grief is never a series of stages.  It does not have the orderly and precise five syllabus of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - in that order.  It is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs.  Highs and lows.

My family and friends have given me great support.  Ruby is blessing me to have them around.  Most of them don't even have a dog in their life.  It is understandable if they could not understand how I could be so upset about losing just a pet.  Yet, for them to be around speaks volume.  For them to understand my grief is god-sent.  Their love makes the burden of my grief easier to carry.  I am very thankful.  Yes, I am.

My grief is taking me to embrace my spiritual and emotional realms.  To better equip me to live and love fully.  I am fortunate to cry, to tell stories and to reach out for comfort from my family and friends.  When it is time, I will just know when to move on with life and to let go when I am ready.

Time will lessen the intensity of my grief.  For now, there are just too much reminders.  They are anywhere and everywhere.  In sights.  In sounds.  In smells.

[Continue Reading ...]

Memorial Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Sunday, March 29, 2009

Ruby's Memorial

[Continue Reading ...]

The Journey Home Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Wednesday, March 25, 2009

This is for me.  For me to take the strength, and courage, to move on.  For me to heal myself.  For me, with all my reflection into the past, will bring light within.  To reach for the tranquility.  Only when there is tranquility within myself that I will find light, love and peace elsewhere.

------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Ruby,

I love you very much.  You have always been so dear in my heart.  That, for the last eight years, whatever I do, it has always centered around you.  You are big in my life.  You are the light that shines in me, forever.  Though, I may have complained a little, my love conquers all.  Every time I look at you, there's understanding in your eyes.  Your soul comforts me.

I grew up always so afraid of dogs.  In fact, I could never like a dog.  I could never understand the love that they can bring us.  I could never understand the loyalty they can offer.

At the time you were born, somehow the Universe rewarded me for life lesson.  When Daniel asked me, just for the fun of it, to match my personality to a dog breed in an online quiz, I felt in love with a cavalier king charles spaniel.  I just felt so much in love that it changed everything thereon.  I had a deep desire to own you.  To be part of my life.  To walk with me.  All my fears, my reservations and everything I thought about dogs didn't matter anymore.

I spent weeks to find you.  Spent days contacting local and overseas breeders.  Spent days reading about you.  About how to care for you.  About the new journey, in our lives, to bond for our highest good.  I felt ill searching for you.

I believe God has His plan.  Together with Ann, we went to Pet Movers.  We prayed that we could find you.  When you were ready for 'sale', we were at the right place and time to meet.  The day was 8th January, 2001.  There, in a kennel cage, you were playing with your brother.  You were just about two months old.  I remember the joy watching you.  In your language, you tried asking me to take you.  Telling me that you had waited for me to come to take you home.  You came close to me yet there was this vibe that you didn't want to scare me.  You had sensed my fear.

Everyday, from then on, we learned to give to each other.  You taught me the silent language and heightened my intuition without the use of rational processes.  You opened my world for higher awareness and realization.  A gift for perceptive insights.  A torch of love regardless the difference between us.  A passage towards acceptance.  A bridge of understanding, and respect, to God's kingdom.

It has been good eight years.  I would want it to be forever.  To keep me company.  To provide.  To receive.  It actually pains me to let you go.  You are a basis for action.  For decision.  For conviction.  I cry hard.  Much harder than when I lost my parents and a sister.  I keep asking for the lesson behind your loss.  I have let you go, yes I do.  That, for all the years we spent together, death is your right passage to be with God.  That you are in a better place now.  That you are at peace.  That you are blessed to end your earthly sufferings.

I love you dearly, Ruby.  Here I am, with loneliness, filled with cherished memories that are just hard not to bring tears.  The last few days have been hard.  Doing all the usual things will hit me with a sense of loss.  It is hard not to cry doing the bed in the morning or even eating food that we used to share.  When I hear a dog barks, from the opposite block, will make me want you to be around.  When I think of other older dogs, I struggle to find sense why you have to go so young.  When I walk the memory lane, at the parks where you used to run free, I wish we can do it again this weekend.  And the next and next.

I guess it comes naturally as I have always felt the need to provide you.  Protect you.  Only to give you the best.  For you to receive the best.  Guess, it has been my gratitude in return to you.  For all the joy that you provided.  For all the good and bad you take in.  For all the trust that you have given in me.  For me to take you for granted that you will never do me wrong.  For all the love you take with a grateful heart.

You are very special to me.  For now, I am going to forgive myself.  To deal with my guilt.  I am not so much concerned with right or wrong.  We have been good to each other despite our different temperaments.  We have filled our days with love.  With a promise.  Unconditional.  We have learned to accept each other.  We acquired experiences to live.  No one can ever rob that away from us.  And, no one is to blame.

I am praying for God's light with what am I supposed to know.  What is the thing that I need to learn from life; not what my purpose is, but what's my lesson?

Your passing will leave me - and hopefully, the people around, with a lesson about being as loving, accepting and generous in life as we are in death.  About recognizing the beauty of a relationship we have when we have it.  And being grateful for it so that we do not feel ambushed by misfortunes.

No one is going to harm you anymore.  No one is going to misunderstand you anymore.  No one is going to disrespect you anymore.  It is the only sense there is to be made from your departure.

[Continue Reading ...]

The Sanity Of The Mind Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Sunday, March 22, 2009

One big lesson that Ruby is providing, with her departure, is about the reality of us being a human.  That, it is so hard to let go.  That, with such a loss, we can easily rack into the past.  That, imperfections are so big.  And guilt is so hard to wipe out.

The mind keeps wondering.  We question our actions.  We ask the limits of intention.  We doubt the validation of deeds.  Beyond all, we express upon the truth of all purposes.

The day we can reconcile it all, Ruby will be very proud of us.  In the silence of communication, there are messages.  You taught us to look out for subtle meanings and the significance of events.  You have made us to seek for higher awareness.  For signs that will release us of our fears.  Of worries.  And eradicate the uncertainty of thoughts.  Only to lead a life with an affection that transcends all mortal feelings.  To become a love born of devotion to one's soul and spirit.

For now, we are still deeply drowned in sorrow.  Unfortunately, we are not coping well.  It is the empty room in our surrounding.  In our hearts.  In Reiki Sanctuary.  It is the loss of a dear companion, and a very precious one.  It is the broken relationship.  It is the loneliness in the heart.  Flashes of the past magnify. 

The emotional pangs of pains can be rather unbearable.  We dearly miss her physical touch.  We miss her adorable ways to make us smile.  We miss just having her next to us and watching her sleep.  The tenderness that goldfielded a mercy worthy of our relationship.  That, constantly, reminds us of sacredness and its manifold gifts to humanity and spiritual union.

Your loss is a great pain to us.  We had fooled ourselves that the day will come later.  Much later.  We are just refusing to allow our mind to that decision, sending you to the Vet, was the strength and courage you had chosen.  You knew we would be very lost should you take your last breath in our presence at home.  You knew those are actions that must be done.  You had actually communicated with us.  Showing the unusual quiet trip to the clinic.  Not even barking and struggling as you would always do.  What you wanted was for us to give you the means to the strength that you had lost.  And all your dignity.

The white light that came to connect with you on such a beautiful day, Friday 20 March, was a great blessing.  The weather, throughout the day, was just lovely.  You even had arranged for some people to be with us.  You just knew we needed them.  And the day, it was Saturday  21 March at 3 pm, as your earthly body was cremated, the sky cried.  And so were we and our friends.  It marked an earthly closure between us.  It was the beginning for eternal re-membrance.

We are deeply thankful ...

-  To Dr Quek who tried his best.  To the Lab Technician, Robert, who took great care of the body.

-  Thank You to all our families, relatives and friends that sent condolences, love and prayers.

-  Special thanks to Jian for offering us transport on Thursday.
-  Special thanks to dear Penny, Joanne and Nel for accompanying us on Friday. 
-  Our heartfelt gratitude to our true friends, Ann and Pat,  who sacrificed their time, to be around us at all time.  For their time at the Vet on Friday to the cremation on Saturday afternoon.  For all your time accompanying us throughout the night and trying hard not to make us cry.  And, for constantly bringing back sanity into our minds.

Thank you for the constant prayers.

-  Our appreciation to Pat who accompanied us to collect the ash on Sunday.  And then, sacrificing your work, to spend with us the whole afternoon.

-  To Mr Osman, at the Cremation, who provided us the compassion and the respect final goodbye.

My little request:

I believe in the power of prayer.  I am asking for everyone's prayers as you read this blog.  For a little prayer to Ruby.  For her soul to rest in peace .. For her spirit live on forever.

Thank you all.  May God be with you.

[Continue Reading ...]

In Loving Memory Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Friday, March 20, 2009

May You Rest In Peace

Ruby

Ruby

Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
06 November 2000 - 20 March 2009

You Will Always Be Remembered

About eight years ago, we found you.  You came into our lives because we wanted to have you.  And only you.  We brought you into our home, our life, and you brought along so much love and joy.  You became very precious.  You knew that.  In return, you took care of us.  Always reminding us to embrace unconditional love.

When we wronged you, you were delighted to forgive.  When we were angry, you clowned to make us smile.

You told us, thousand times, by the way you rested on our legs.  By the way you wagged your tail.  By the way you showed us you were hurt when we left without taking you.  Cos, you were filled with worries when you could not come along to care for us.

You taught us the meaning of devotion.

Today, you are asking us to let you go.  To accept the situation where you would be free from your pain.  From your heart problem.  From your failing liver and the rising of jaundice.  From your low blood count. 

You tried to fight them.  Yes, we know you had.  With all the pains, you had never complained.

We are praying that you will be in peace with the white light.  That you will be in heaven where you, rightfully, belong.  We will miss you.  We will remember this day.  We will remember you as our precious daughter.

We love you, Ruby.  And so, is God.  May you rest in peace.

Ruby's Walk

[Continue Reading ...]