The Only Story Left To tell Is The Truth Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Thursday, January 23, 2014

[This article has been edited]

I am thankful that I received this lovely message - the story was told HERE - and it has been playing in my mind often since then.  The message that is simply read "The Only Story Left To Tell Is The Truth" yet it is a constant music in my mind.

I am so much attracted to its wisdom.  I wonder much about it, with deep appreciation that it lands on me.  I marvel at the person who has written it, at her higher consciousness to open up my awareness at a higher level.  At the beautiful mind that God has guided her.  I keep asking myself what is the highest purpose that I have to receive it?  Why do I have to receive it?  There is, admittedly, huge enigma that the message has to come to me.

To the angel, Yuanita, I am very much thankful!  You have made me to further believe that the year 2014 is about a year of spiritual growth.  The message, that I received from you, denotes in what I have thought 2014 is a spiritual year.

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I Want To Write Miracle Stories Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Monday, November 12, 2012

God, I Know You Hear Me






This is the story where I believe a miracle is taking place.  As far as I believe, it is a miraculous progression on my spiritual faith.  It is a clarity in my insight towards the power of visualization and the power of prayer.  It is about, and with the awareness of the existence of my ego here, the possible highest knowledge that I have acquired thus far and how things work when I surrender to God for things to turn around.

PERHAPS - yes, it is a big "perhaps" that the situation of my health that I am now in and the recovery (with God willing) that I am experiencing is about my journey of faith.  It is about my recognition of God and how He works with me, of super powers in tandem with a visualized mind, of miracles in hope and faith, of spiritual healing with one's truth and trustworthiness, and how important it is to be positive in all circumstances in life. Basically, it is the sum of all thoughts, about the powers of prayers and how well my mind can accept with such serious  purposes.

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From A Distance Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Friday, December 09, 2011

Watch closely those who always tell you how honest they are.  Watch closely those who always tell you how innocent they are.

Does honesty exist in a vacuum? Are you ethical when you’re all alone?




This morning, after doing my usual morning chores, I felt about a most wonderful experience.  I felt that God had stood next to me.  I felt that God was engaging into conversation.  I felt His loving connection; it was comforting me.  There was no doubt that it was Him.  I heard his words, "Go over the window and see what I have done".

For the early part of the morning, I was a little troubled with my past action.  I felt a little uneasy thinking what I had done.  I felt uncertain about my guidance, the sharing which I vocalized and the strong expression and articulation just to prove a point.  It sounded too harsh.  It sounded un-sympathetic.  It sounded dogmatic as if authoritative and of unproved principles.

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Take Me Home Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Friday, December 02, 2011

Dating is like shopping. It doesn’t mean you’ll buy anything and take it home with you.

Advice is like medicine. It doesn’t work in the bottle. You have to take it.




It has taken me months to finally pen down this entry - Spirituality Vs Religion.

I have always wanted to write it.  I have always wanted to express what I believe is my personal experience with God.  All that is written here is just a personal overview.  Mostly, it comes from my general observation.  It derives from a personal experience and an incident, which may sound bizarre, where I felt that I was stricken by the white light.  Somehow, at the moment, I felt I had "small talks" with God and the conversation changed me.

The article here is not exhaustive nor all inclusive.  As it is, the topic on Religion and Spirituality is very broad.

This topic on Religion and Spirituality is often discussed amongst my friends.  It has always been a conversational topic to remind ourselves of our journey, of the question 'Who Am I?' and how do we want to live.  It has always been a topic to model our thoughts, our actions and our attitudes.  However, I must say that I would rather talk about Spirituality than to delve in Religion.

Just as every child is encouraged to attend school and get an education, having a religion is just as important to shape the child.   Humans need some foundation to lean on, some values to believe in.  But, when the child is told to learn 1 2 3 and it is far more important than to learn A B C is inappropriate.  There is no distinct difference when both are paramount.  Same goes to which academic course is far more superior than another that makes one to become more successful.

Religion goes by the same principle.  All religion is good.  Religion makes humans to be one with God.  We should see God as a common denominator among the religions of the world.  Every religion teaches us to know God.  It teaches that God is with all men, with all life.  When we are able to accept this that we will have something in common and it will help unite our differences and our spirituality.

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The Last Lap Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Monday, November 28, 2011

Do you get dressed out of the laundry basket?


I am happy, well at this stage of the year, that I have met my goal.  Well, you see, sometime last year I was chatting with my dearest indigo friend, JH that I would want to write as much as four entries a month.  I shared with him the reasons why I wanted to do so.  Why these writings were important to me and be a part of the Universe.  I told him that it would be my voice to reach out, to be heard and alas, to get what I would (always) be looking for.

It is not about sharing my thoughts on earth.  It is not about teaching another human nor to motivate him/her.  It is not about feeding my ego.  It is not about nourishing and creating my hunger greed nor providing an enrichment to my insatiable appetite.

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Prison Break Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Thursday, November 17, 2011

Your doctor, your lawyer, your accountant, and your therapist: those you never want to lie to.




This is the second part of 'A Tribute to Reiki Sanctuary, The Third Year.  [More Read]

It takes me by surprise when friends start to ask whether I will honor my words about the upcoming video for Reiki Sanctuary, the third year.  I casually mentioned about it in my previous entry. 

Such reminders make me feel touched.  Collectively, it shows that there are people who really read my blog and remember what is written.  Reiki Sanctuary, the blog, has grown since 2008.  It is no longer just a home living blog but, gradually, it has become a place where I start to write about my spiritual journey too.  About my conviction and what I believe spiritually.  It has nothing to do with one religion, or my religion, but my own evolutionary perspective.

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The Mantra of Great Compassion Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Saturday, April 02, 2011

The God in me greets the God in you;
for peace, for joy and for enlightenment



Disclaimer:

This writing is my personal voice.  It is not meant to imply nor, of any means, to influence in reorganizing and redirecting in the faith of God.  It is based on my own conviction, of my own experience and in its truth that is very personal.  It is how I embrace God within and how I strongly believe in His existence that has guided my ways of life thus far.


No, as many have asked me again and again, I am not a Buddhist.  Nor am I a Christian.  I respect these two and all other major religions.  I respect in the holy book, Quran to the Muslims; the Bible to the Christians and Tipitaka to the Buddhists.  For the record, I have not studied them much but enough to understand its importance and how the words of God, in all these books, can help individuals like me to lead a good life.

I am a believer of ONE God.  To me, there is this great mysterious entity that resides in the Universe.  And, he resides in all of us too.  He can be at anywhere at any given one time.  He is outside as well as inside us.  I call him God.  I like it when the word 'Allah' is used.  This word is the perfect description of the 'one god' of monotheism for Jews, Christians and Muslims.  "Allah" is the same word used by Christian Arabs and Jewish Arabs in their Bible, centuries before Islam came. 

God has always been there for me, one who created me and giving me life on this Earth.  I live with a soul within the soul of His image.  I am created from His breath having both a material body and an immaterial spirit.  I am to live in His likeness mentally, morally and socially.

Mentally, I have been given a mind.  This is a reflection of God's intellect.  Morally, I have been implanted with righteousness.  Our conscience or moral compass is a vestige of God.  Socially, I am created for fellowship.  This reflects God's love.

The difference between us is huge.  While He has given me a mind to diffuse my intelligence, to use it correctly and effectively with pride and purpose, all that I have to do is to constantly remind myself to act and think like God does.  Light attracts light.  Along with the mind, He gives me the freewill to do whatever I shall deem right for my being.  He created a clone alongside my spirit, called EGO, for whom I should identify and accept and to separate between the good and evil.

I have to live my life wisely.  It is the good that attracts another good.  It is the bad that attracts another bad.  It is the light that attracts the Law of Vibration and Attractions.  It is just the order of God in wanting us to know ourselves better.  I have to live my life the way He wants it to be.  I have to learn and keep re-membering significant events to make any difference.  There is good in all things bad and there is bad in all things good.

It is important for me to be in love yet to understand what hate is.  It is important for me to be in joy yet to understand what sorrow is.  It is important for me to be wise yet to understand what ignorance is.  It is important for me to be peaceful yet to understand what violence is.  It is important for me to be positive yet to understand what negative energies can effect my life differently.

I often take a stand that God is with all of us, here and everywhere.  He does not separate us nor does He differentiate each of us.  Each of us - despite our color and race, our nationality and profession, our size and age, our intellect and language - deserves His protection and admiration.  Each of us deserves His guidance and punishment.  Each of us deserves the Heaven that He has promised.  Each of us deserves in all the beauties of this Earth.  Likewise, He does not keep away the truth about hell.

I grew up rather puzzled at our struggles.  Every major religion claims that there is one god, that this god is omnipresence.  Yet, religion has taught many of us the exact opposite.  The man, whom we call a priest, at any religious institution - be it the Church, the Mosque or the Temple, speaks of God.  Each teaches us to be good.  Each guides us to live with our moral conscience.  We, no matter what religion we are to live with, have been countlessly told to be a good person.  To love and not to hate.  To care and not to despise.  To give and not to steal.  Never that these men, from the Church, from the Mosque and the Temple, would ask us to live like a sinner.

My question, if these men truly believe in God's works and existence and where each of them spreads to us to live life morally good, is not that there is the same God that has given these men with the same wisdom?  How can we justify that one is more right than the other?  Why are their virtues of life and values sound so much alike?  The saddest thing I heard so far is when one man could say that the other man who is preaching exactly the same thing is a sinner.  That this sinner has no place in God's Heaven, in God's Temple of Spirits.

Who then is right?

Ultimately, it is about looking inward with greater understanding.  It hits me that there is one God, the same God in all churches, mosques and temples.  Men makes the division.  Perhaps, it is just the way Man has always been.  That, with our ego, we are better off taking charge to control others.  It is easier to condemn another.  History has always proven that we complicate matters better than simply to just live life.  We tend to go overboard with our thoughts and over-analyze anything that must only suit our interests.

To me, God has always been with me the whole time.  He is part of me, or rather that I am a part of him.  When I look at the way of the clouds, at the way the water flows, when I look at the flowers, when I breathe and smell the air, or the way atoms bond together to form molecules.  The way the music sounds.  the way light travels.  Every single detail of this existence we live in everyday, every person inside it.  Every atom, every form of energy, the Conscious Mind.

Me.  You.  Thought.  These are all God.  Every last thing in existence too.

Heaven, as well as Hell, are here on Earth and in our daily existence to experience.  We do not have to wait till we die to know the effects upon our acts and conscience.  We do not have to wait that long to experience God's rewards and punishments.  In our freewill, we have to make the right choice.  We have to understand what constitutes God's likeness in our mental, moral and social duties.

My passion for the Buddhist Monk's The Mantra of Great Compassion is about the soothing voices and the soothing music.  It does not matter to me what it is actually being recited.  It is always better not to know than to analyze it with fear.  It is enough for me to understand that it is about calling out the different names of Buddha.

I respect Buddha and that does not make me a Buddhist.  It is his codes and ethics of teaching that inspire me.  Then, It is enough for me to listen to this piece of music to allow his vibrations to become me.

For few of my friends who have been waiting to have this music, here it is ..





The Mantra of Great Compassion
- Buddhist Monks -

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The Voice of God Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Thursday, January 20, 2011

There's God in every one of us.  There's a voice of God in every one of us.  There's a spark of God in everyone of us.  There's an act of God in everyone of us.  We should simply live our life experiencing itself in every situation, in every permutation, possibility.  We don't have to ask too many questions, just live.

In every moment, there is God-behind-the-moment experiencing itself taking every opportunity to learn of itself within itself.  Every choice, in everything that we do, is a moment to choose the right from the wrong.  Still, in every wrong, there is some right.  Basically, there is light in everything and it is just a matter of our perception to accept it.

When we accept this, God behind every moment, God is our co-pilot having given us our ego and His sparks.  Together, it becomes the source of our energy flowing through our own consciousness and its layers.  We just have to carry this light, the essence of life, to treat humankind with more love, respect and compassion.

That much I believe.  That much I see and hear, and would want to see and hear, in everything and in every one of us.  Every soul, every moment has something beautiful in it, even if it is only the tiniest potential for something good. 

I believe when we are to see the beauty in our daily consciousness, in our Being, there is a divine God that is all in all of us.  That this divinity lives within our soul, in every souls and in every moment.

One of my favourite author, Paulo Coelho in his book "The Witch of Portobello" wrote 'Christ surrounded himself with beggars, prostitutes, tax collectors and fishermen'.  What he probably might have meant is that there is a divine spark in every soul and is never extinguished.  It is said that the opposite of LOVE is fear, not hate.  Generally, we just feel indifferent.

In this book, the story winds around Athena's dilemma and her tearing quest to fill up the spaces within her, the negative, the silences in her life, to answer her questions of self, of will and of truth.  It reflects upon us that everyone of us has encountered a completely different person at different times as if a creation of our own selves.

I grew up in an organized religion.  Just like any other major world religion, we were told that God is somewhere out there.  In order for us to reach out to Him, we need to go outside of ourselves.  We need to be 'outside ourselves' to find the answers to our prayers, to find the wisdom we need to live with.  For our souls to be guided.

What I didn't see was the divine spark that had been with me all this while.  That this same divine spark is in all the people around me, the moment around me.  We are our own teacher that just need to inspire ourselves to give the best in order to discover what we have already known.

Paulo said 'You are what you believe yourself to be.  Don't be like those people who believe in "positive thinking" and tell themselves that they're loved and strong and capable.  You don't need to do that because you know it already.  And when you doubt it, which happens, I think quite often at this stage of evolution, do as I suggested.' 

He added 'Instead of trying to prove that you're better than you think, just laugh.  Laugh at your worries and insecurities.  View you anxieties with humor.  It will be difficult at first, but you'll gradually get used to it.  Now go back and meet all those people who think you know everything.  Convince yourself that they're right, because we all know everything.  It's merely a question of believing.  Believe.'

Often, I would like to do some reflection at the beginning of every new year.  It is about making for an unshakeable trust to find for the meaning of success and suffering in my life.  To take stock of what I have had learned and knowing what I had fought for.  To accept that there are sufferings and there are defeats.  And, to accept thereafter that it is better to lose some of the battles in the struggles of my dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what I was fighting for.

What sparks me on this topic, and only to re-affirm deep into my believe, is when I received an email from a friend.  It filled with profound messages to what I have always wanted to believe.  It also came at the right time since I was dwelling on an invitation to attend another spiritual event.

God, in another divine spark through a friend, has somewhat spoken to me.  I just have to listen to it and to take charge.  I have been an individual that is fully comfortable where I am today.  I have no big desires to keep on searching. 

Personally, the only thing that I ever need to do today is to S.I.T. - to Stop thinking/feeling/doing and to Inhale and Think.  This is the Power of Choice for me to  understand, to comprehend, to practice and to internalize all those lessons that I had been given.

In Paulo's "The Witch of Portobello", Athena's search takes her through a journey of many phases until she realizes that silence is what defines the sound.  I need to find that awareness.  I need to be one with consciousness.  The only way we learn is when we open the door of higher consciousness, this ever powerful energy, to bring about for our daily awareness in all moments of our our life.

Let me end this writing by sharing the content of that email.  (Those bold and underline are what resonate to me. It is the voice of God to affirm my stand and my believe.)

What Is Your Purpose In Life?
Written by Nicole Lanning

When we think of our soul purpose in life that comes to mind? Most people think it is what we are here to do, accomplish, learn, teach, experience, and for the most part they are right. We all have a purpose in life – what we are here to do, and everyone’s is different. But how do you know what your soul purpose is in life and what can you do with this information once you find it out.

The trick is when you are searching for your purpose in life is to look within. No one on the outside world can tell you what your purpose is. They can give you suggestions by reading your energy, psychic readings, and sometimes even tarot cards, but if you keep looking elsewhere, other than within, for your purpose in life you will always be searching. The biggest lesson I can ever give you on finding your purpose is to believe in yourself enough to search from within to find this. The more you search outside of this the more you will continue to search. You have to believe in yourself first and foremost and trust that the answers are true.

So, how do you go about searching for your purpose in life? You start by taking some time for yourself with something that resonates within you such as journaling, meditations, or just some quiet time to think and reflect. When you are taking this time you have to look within and find what makes you truly happy. Is it helping people? Maybe teaching? Possibly a dream that really gets you inspired? Everyone’s soul purpose in life is going to be different, and no two are alike, as we are all unique individuals..

It is about finding that one true thing that you love to do, give, share, teach, or spread the word about that makes you happy. If you are struggling with finding that one true thing, keep searching from within and don’t give up, as it does not always come to you on the first try. You may narrow things down a bit, but haven’t hit the nail on the head yet, but it isn’t a time to give up, but to keep searching within. When you find that one thing that you are extremely passionate about, and that is the one thing that you could do the rest of your life, money aside in this way of thinking, than you know you have found your purpose in life.

Once you get to this point, it is about taking action to put your purpose into physical format. This will be the best decision you have ever made and you will be on the right pathway for your own unique purpose in life!

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Note To God Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I am so thankful at how things work out.  At how, at a wonderful start of a new year, people whom I treasure fill me with an awesome swelling of my heart.  For making the fullness of my life.  For feelings overwhelm my emotions.  It is a great joy from the start.  It is the world so real.

I travel within the spirit of the land - specifically, The Free Land of Smiles, that takes me through the rich and diverse landscape of love.  Of kaleidoscope of joy and massive happiness.  Of freeing burden and bringing smiles.  Of reminding me to the rich and greatest collective lesson called togetherness; holding on together.  Of diversity yet exhibits strong cohesion.  Of extravagance greets with gentle greetings.  Of a connection to life and dancing to the colours of the wind.

Northern-Western Thailand Tour 2010

The Journey:

Pattaya  ---->  Saraburi  ---->  Phitsanulok  ---->  Sukhotai  ---->  Tak
---->  Lampang  ---->  Chiang Mai  ---->  Nakhon Sawat  ----Ayutthaya  ---->  Pattaya

It is a journey that is wrapped in timeless kingdom of spiritual accomplishment.  Of emotional outburst into a temple of safe haven.  Of how the brilliance of thought weaves into glistening harmony.  Of love.  Of joy.  Of the needs to appreciate every single act as a significant beauty of life.  The only condition to all things well, and for supremacy to happen, is my sincere desire to have it.

It is a walk of life towards thoughtless awareness.  Of being mindful and fully alert but without any thoughts to govern any external forces.  To be in the now.  To reap the fruits of nowness.  It is a fantastic journey into my own spiritual existence.  It is a door that has opened to a new dimension.

Oh God, it is such a peaceful and thankful sunrise for the new year.  Yes, I would never ask for anything more than this gift of love.  This gift of joy.  This perfect gift of peace.  The greatest present explored in the present of presence.  You tuck away my apprehension and showers me in a chest for heightened purpose.

Not a day goes by will I want to trade it for anything else.  I am getting Your lead - a blessing that only promises for more inclusion of joyful warranted life purposes.  I am seeking Your wisdom.  I am seeking Your guidance.  I am seeking Your love for love to serve its purposes.  With compassion.  With faith.  With conviction.

"The Treasure Chest" of Life

This set of treasure chests, a Christmas 2009 gift from a dear friend, symbolises a synchronicity for a new beginning.  Is it too much of a co-incidence?  Of a significant message to store a treasure that [must] lasts forever.   There is something wonderful about having it.  There is something precious for all the contents to be kept safe and protected.  There is something important - a prizeless crafted chest, synonymous of my desires to house them inside.  There is something meaningful - a priceless acquisition that no matter how humble, always seem to signify reverence for an accomplishment of a treasured precious possession.

I am very thankful for a road trip that has filled me with plentiful prayers.  Bringing my soul closer to the tranquility of life forces.  Soaking my mental body to experience calmness of emotional peace.  It is a collective realm of the many visits to bring me closer to the Power of Prayer.  To the Power of Intent to orchestrate the Law of Vibrations and Attractions. Of having a basic wish to be happy and to avoid sufferings.  Of empowering a vision of peace.  Of creation for highest possible the pleasure palaces.

Having visited few spiritual sites, and breathe peace, joy and love all
around me, the most universal sign for this fortunate birth of the new
year is this heartwarming sight of these puppies in such an enclosed
spiritual place.

Gift of Love

The nurturing and (as a dear friend cited it) 'emancipated' moment of a mother to her babies to keep each one of them alive.  To make them to live and to grow.  Regardless of all the heavy human traffic around her and the fear on her face, there is deep sense of faith.  Of conviction and responsibility.  As though she knows nothing will, and can, harm her purpose. 

It is, indeed, a beautiful insight. 

It is about focus. 

It is about recognition. 

It is love in action.

This new year has brought me with unexpected blessings of joy.  Of love.  Of care and share.  Of giving.  Of strength against all odds.  Of everything is possible.  Of turning fear into faith and celebrate its rewards.  Of paradigm shift to positive mindset.

I am so thankful, and blessed, meeting a departed spirit in one of the holy shrine.  In a state of pure and peaceful consciousness, of a loving father that whispered his love and gratitude.  Of a loving consciousness and his prayers.  I guess the message is meant for me.  I guess the message is more than just for me.  For clearing my doubts to achieve a state of evolution and everything necessary.  I just have to have the desire to achieve this state; it cannot be forced upon me.

.. and I shall just embrace it with more prayers ..

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The God in Me Greets The God in You Written by : Reiki Sanctuary Date : Thursday, April 16, 2009

Had a good conversation, and a healing session,  with a dear friend yesterday.

Dear Friend [DF] :  It seems that you have an unresolved grief.  I would classify it as 'guilt'.  Do you want to talk about it?

Me :  I am very much aware of what is happening.  It has become an internal struggle.  I am threading on a thin line between letting go and holding on to her memories.

DF  :  What have you let go?  Just listening to you, it dawns on me that you are stuck with the events on her last day.  You beat yourselves up for all the things you had done what you did.  But we cannot bring her back.  We cannot change what you did or did not do.

What we can do is to stop hurting ourselves.  Each of us, in our own way, did what we thought was right at the time, using what we knew and felt.  Each of us tried to do the best we could, and did it with the intention of love.  We are human beings, with frailties and faults.  We don't know everything.  We make mistakes.  But we make them with the best of intentions.  I am sure you did exactly that too.

To hurt yourself with the terrible additional pain of guilt is to do dis-service to the love you have for Ruby.  She is gone and out of pain.  Be fair to who you are now.

Me :  Somehow, thinking about her last day makes me sad.  Not so much of guilt but the chord of awareness between us that took place.  The divinity at work.

DF  :  When we didn't know enough, or made an innocent mistake, do we believe that she did not understand?  And love and forgive you in spite of it?  I believe she does and that what dogs do.

You need to forgive yourself.  You need to quit blaming yourself for being a caregiver.  For being human.  Know that Ruby does not blame you.  She understands because she knows your heart.
 

Let's go through that last day.  Make it accountable.  That's the only way you can let it go.  I am not going to judge but I am here to provide lessons for you, for us, to keep learning.  Every pebble of knowledge will ripple.

****************************************************

As suggested by a dear friend that I should journalise the event, and here it goes:

The Day As It Happened
- without rational process

That morning, I woke up with a heavy heart.  In fact, I would always feel down whenever Ruby was not feeling well.  Whenever she would be restless and not her normal self.  I would always have the thought that her heart or liver, or even her blood count, would be 'in danger'.  Her last medical check-up, on 14th February, didn't show a good sign.  She was not in any health danger but we were warned, by the Vet, to monitor her closely and to see for vital signs of organs failing.

When F left the house that morning, Ruby was not whining.  She was not even strong enough to stand up and get off the bed.  She was fine the day before.  But that morning, she was rather weak.  Somewhat restless.  Ruby would always whine or make some noise everytime F was about to leave the house.  I carried her and we both sent F off to work.

I put her back on the bed, stroked to comfort her and went on to do my morning routine.  I expected her to come to find me in the kitchen, which she would normally do whenever I left her too long alone in the bedroom.  Where she would either just come to see what I would be doing and walked back to the bedroom or the balcony.  Or she would be sitting around if she wanted to eat something. 

Somehow that morning, I had a deja vu.  I had the exact feeling of my late dad.  I decided to check on her.  There she was, laid restlessly on the bed, only opening her eyes to look at me.  My heart sank.

Resting on the bed, I gave her Reiki treatment.  She would normally respond well.  After about half an hour, I let her rest and tried to force myself to do my stuffs.  But somehow, I felt like doing nothing.  I spent the rest of the day lying with her.  Stroking and petting her and never stopped to give Reiki.  She was too weak for anything.  Not even able to drink nor eat.  

That day, I decided not to give her the medicines.  I struggled with the decision because the meds were important to her.  But somehow, I just could not do it.  I knew she would be struggling to swallow them even if I forced it.  I just didn't feel it was a right thing to do that day.

F called in the afternoon telling me that he had made an appointment with the Vet for Saturday.  Somehow, he just knew.  Somehow, instinctively, he knew we needed to bring Ruby to the Vet.  We felt Ruby would be better after a day of inactivity and Saturday would not make that much difference.  I then told him that Ruby had not even been out of the bed since that morning. 

Tried to spoonfeed her some water few times.  She could only lift up her head but didn't drink even though I felt she wanted to. I was at my low as time passed. 

Looking at her struggling to stand up made it worst for me.  She tried to go to the toilet.  That broke my heart actually.  Slowly, she managed to do it but it took her a long while.  She had to stop few times, probably, to find more strength before continuing to the paper for her business.  I felt terribly sad just looking at her, at how she struggled, and not knowing what would be the right thing to do.  I felt she was doing her best, wanting to do the right thing.  It looked like she was in great pain and fighting it off.

I carried her around the house.  Took her to the kitchen hoping that she would have appetite to eat.  She was not in the mood.  Perhaps, she was feeling too weak to eat anything.  Back in my arms, she gave a little struggle when I was carrying her at the window.  She loved looking out but not that afternoon.

I carried her back to the bed.  That afternoon when I stroked her, and for the first time, I cried.  I just could not control anymore.  I felt terribly sad.  Ruby just looked at me.  And for the first time, I told her "Ruby, you are very sick dear.  Should you need to go, go peacefully.  Don't fight anymore.  Don't struggle anymore.  We will always love you."  Those words just came and I sobbed uncontrollably.  There was a sense of guilt afterwards.  Yet, I felt it was the right thing to do.

I spent the rest of the day sleeping next to her.  When it was time for F to come home, Ruby tried to get out of the bed.  I helped her, thinking that she might want to go to the toilet again.  Instead, she walked out of the bedroom heading towards the balcony.  I felt relieved.  At last, she was walking again.

I just looked at her from behind.  She managed slow and small steps.  I tried getting her to go to the kitchen.  For her to eat something.  She continued heading to the balcony.  She fell as she got there and struggled to stand up.  Again, I was hit with sadness and tears just rolled down.  There were heaps of sorrow.  I felt lost and restless at the same time.

I carried and placed her to the sofa.  Stroking and comforting her.  My tears just kept rolling down.  I tried not to cry.  I didn't want to spread my sadness to her.  Somehow, something was telling me that she wanted to greet F as he got home.  When F got home soon after that, she stood up and sat on her paws.  She was too weak to wag but we knew she was happy.

We decided to go to the Vet that evening.  Somehow, we felt we could not wait till Saturday.  Ruby needed medical attention.  Her stomach was bloated.

Ruby was pretty quiet when we told her that we would bring her to the clinic.  She would normally bark whenever we were leaving the house, but not this time.  Not even struggling when we were in the taxi.  She just laid quietly on my laps.  We waited for almost an hour before the Vet could attend to her.  By then, we had the Clinic Assistant to get the blood test done.

It was only when the Vet was examining her, that we noticed she had turned yellow.  We were asked to look out for such sign but it wasn't there earlier.  It was jaundice.  We had more bad news.  Her blood test didn't show good results.  The Vet told us that her blood count was extremely low.  She was anaemic.  And her liver was failing.  She needed to be hospitalised.  She needed to be given drips.  And further test will only be carried out the next morning.  We were reluctant to leave her there but the Vet assured us "Ruby will be alright.  She will not passed away."

Ruby looked calm when we stroked her before we left.  Not even moving.  Just staring at us.  We told her that we had to leave her there and that we would be back tomorrow.  She looked at us as we walked out of the room.  Just looking.  There was no struggle.  There was no whining.  It was, somehow, a calm feeling as we bade goodbye.  And she just kept looking at us with peace in her eyes.

We cried the minute we were out of the clinic.  We felt lost.  Somehow, we didn't feel good.  We comforted each other echoing the Vet's assurance and just to pray for the best.  We planned to visit her the next day, with me going in the afternoon first.  I did more distant Reiki that night.

Somehow, at about 4.30 in the morning, I suddenly woke up.  There was an uneasy feeling.  I felt there was a flash of light.  My thoughts were with Ruby.  I told F that Ruby was calling.  We dismissed any negative thought and continued to pray and went back to sleep.

We planned the day.  We hoped for the best.  Just after 9 a.m., the Vet called me.  My world had shattered.  Suddenly, there was a huge tsunami clouding me.  My heart broke as he said "I am very sorry ..."

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